After becoming a mother, time to myself needs to be created. I don't have the luxury of scooting off "just because" anymore. Before I make plans, I have to notify the husband and we'd usually work something out. I gotta make sure that Kate has milk, and if the husband cannot babysit then it's either the mother-in-law or my mom. It's not difficult, just different because there's little or none of impromptu-ness anymore.
However, sometimes, I strike gold when Kate goes to sleep. If the husband is awake, he'll usually watch tv (no longer an activity we take for granted); or we'll chat. I like those moments. If the husband is also asleep, I find myself with time to myself.
Tonight, it's one of the latter moments and I find myself thinking about how fortunate I am (despite the icky thoughts I have about many random matters), just because I have two people that mean the world to me safe and content within arms' reach.
This evening, I also spent an hour with Kate alone. I brought her for a walk and though I'm aching from carrying her (she's like a moving dumb-bell) I think it's fantastic time spent. I love holding her and walking about, pointing out things to her, seeing her curious eyes scanning everything about, feeling her wriggle because she's bored. I totally enjoyed myself.
Amidst the uncertainty of life and the influx of sad, horrible news of disasters around the world, it's these little things that make life worthwhile and we ought to be more thankful of them.
I love you Kate, and I love you, husband.
Story of our simple lives - of our family, of our beautiful children, Kate & Jake
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
When the going gets tough, the tough keeps going
So I've been back at work for 4weeks now; and I gotta say it's been somewhat manageable, somewhat teary, somewhat frustrating, mostly mind-boggling and totally tiring.
The first week was truly difficult. Not only was it physically draining, it was also mentally strenuous. But beyond that, it was the emotional stress that totally blew me away. I knew that I'd miss Kate horribly, but I was unprepared as to how bad horrid was. For the first two nights, I was in tears at the end of the day; seeing Kate made me smile as it was amazing to see her after being apart all day, but simultaneously, it also reminded me of how much I'd missed not being with her. It was difficult - I knew the reality but it didn't make things better.
At night, I tap on my "maternal" battery and look after Kate all night (mostly by) myself, where despite the fatigue, I look forward to our time alone in the night where I feed her, burp her and hold her close to my body. Every morning, when the clock strikes 7, I take a deep breath (sigh) and switch to my "day" battery and prep for work.
This cycle has gone on long enough now that I'm kinda used to it. Not that it gets any less tiring, bBut I just keep going, because that's how life goes. Just gotta deal with things. I look forward to my afternoon phonecalls where I 'chat' with Kate. I've been told that she responds to my voice and always bobs her head curiously in an attempt to locate me. There was one day where she was fussing (I could hear her crying in the background) and she quietened down after I spoke with her (I told her to behave). I'm truly uncertain how much Kate really understands, but I like to tell myself that she does and our short-minute chats with each other comfort her (I know it does me alot of good).
I'm pretty sure that the challenges will keep coming, and I'll keep finding myself thrown about this roller-coaster ride. But I'll keep going. Gotta be tough.
The first week was truly difficult. Not only was it physically draining, it was also mentally strenuous. But beyond that, it was the emotional stress that totally blew me away. I knew that I'd miss Kate horribly, but I was unprepared as to how bad horrid was. For the first two nights, I was in tears at the end of the day; seeing Kate made me smile as it was amazing to see her after being apart all day, but simultaneously, it also reminded me of how much I'd missed not being with her. It was difficult - I knew the reality but it didn't make things better.
At night, I tap on my "maternal" battery and look after Kate all night (mostly by) myself, where despite the fatigue, I look forward to our time alone in the night where I feed her, burp her and hold her close to my body. Every morning, when the clock strikes 7, I take a deep breath (sigh) and switch to my "day" battery and prep for work.
This cycle has gone on long enough now that I'm kinda used to it. Not that it gets any less tiring, bBut I just keep going, because that's how life goes. Just gotta deal with things. I look forward to my afternoon phonecalls where I 'chat' with Kate. I've been told that she responds to my voice and always bobs her head curiously in an attempt to locate me. There was one day where she was fussing (I could hear her crying in the background) and she quietened down after I spoke with her (I told her to behave). I'm truly uncertain how much Kate really understands, but I like to tell myself that she does and our short-minute chats with each other comfort her (I know it does me alot of good).
I'm pretty sure that the challenges will keep coming, and I'll keep finding myself thrown about this roller-coaster ride. But I'll keep going. Gotta be tough.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
My babies
Motherhood is a strange thing. It's made me slower. My husband will laugh and say 'yes it has' but I mean that I move slower, talk (slightly) slower, think (alot) slower and well, everything seems more paced than rushed now.
I'd like to think that I appreciate things more now, and I'm taking time to smell the roses.
Isn't that a nice thought?
And what's nice also is that simple things like watching them sleep brings such warmth and love to my heart.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
All grown up
When I turned 21, I thought I was all adult because I was, afterall, the legal age. But I was still partying my life away, damaging my liver and body and being in uni still just doesn't seem quite adult-like.
Then I graduated and very quickly (within a month thankyouverymuch) found a job. I thought then, that I was all adult because I took on the responsibility (as it should be) of paying my bills and even contributing a mini portion of my salary to my parents. But I still continued to party my life away, damaging my liver and body, and looking back it pretty much seemed that I'd gained financial independance, rather than becoming an adult.
Over the years, I found myself a very nice, kind, reliable young chap who became the husband. I is very lucky. Becoming a wife, I definitely was more adult-like. Afterall, I moved house to live with the husband (that's rather significant) and I took on more commitments together with the husband too. We became an independant unit with each other, travelling together, eating together, playing together, saving together, just like how everyone else on the streets seem to do it.
Then we had a baby. That changed our lives obviously, and in the past months, we'd encountered two occasions where we made good parent-decisions.
Scenario 1
We were out for dinner with friends, and we'd adjourned to a nearby cafe for dessert.The cafe was packed and we had to wait for a table despite having made reservations. After standing around for 10mins, Kate was fussing and a quick look at the watch alerted us that it's past 10. A quick calculation in my head tells me that it'd be at least another hour by the time we got our table, ordered our desserts and ate them. I looked to the husband and said, " we may as well go. As much as I wish to stay to thicken my waist with these mouth-watering cakes, it's not good for Kate's sleeping schedule." So we left. (Our reward was a complimentary dessert *yay)
Scenario 2
It was NYE and the husband and I had brought Kate out to a dinner. We usually wouldn't but it being NYE and all, I felt like it'd be sweeter to be together as a family. We'd been invited to usher in the New Year with friends and we'd decided to drop by after our dinner. By the time dinner ended, it was nearly 11pm and enroute to the car, the husband asked if we were still going to the countdown party. My response then was "it's up to you", I then heard the husband call our friend and apologised that we're not able to join them. We headed home.
I was pleased with his decision because it was just better for Kate.
I'm sure there'll continue to be many more situations that arise which will test us. But I'm confident that with the husband, we'll make decisions to our best capability.
Growing up is not marked by an age, or one particular event in life. It is a series of challenges, events and people around you that influence your growth. For me, the husband and the baby are definitely key reasons why I'm all 'grown up' now. We consciously weigh the pros and cons of doing things, manage time more carefully and the decisions we make are not for ourselves but for Kate. I marvel at how far I've come all these years.
Then I graduated and very quickly (within a month thankyouverymuch) found a job. I thought then, that I was all adult because I took on the responsibility (as it should be) of paying my bills and even contributing a mini portion of my salary to my parents. But I still continued to party my life away, damaging my liver and body, and looking back it pretty much seemed that I'd gained financial independance, rather than becoming an adult.
Over the years, I found myself a very nice, kind, reliable young chap who became the husband. I is very lucky. Becoming a wife, I definitely was more adult-like. Afterall, I moved house to live with the husband (that's rather significant) and I took on more commitments together with the husband too. We became an independant unit with each other, travelling together, eating together, playing together, saving together, just like how everyone else on the streets seem to do it.
Then we had a baby. That changed our lives obviously, and in the past months, we'd encountered two occasions where we made good parent-decisions.
Scenario 1
We were out for dinner with friends, and we'd adjourned to a nearby cafe for dessert.The cafe was packed and we had to wait for a table despite having made reservations. After standing around for 10mins, Kate was fussing and a quick look at the watch alerted us that it's past 10. A quick calculation in my head tells me that it'd be at least another hour by the time we got our table, ordered our desserts and ate them. I looked to the husband and said, " we may as well go. As much as I wish to stay to thicken my waist with these mouth-watering cakes, it's not good for Kate's sleeping schedule." So we left. (Our reward was a complimentary dessert *yay)
Scenario 2
It was NYE and the husband and I had brought Kate out to a dinner. We usually wouldn't but it being NYE and all, I felt like it'd be sweeter to be together as a family. We'd been invited to usher in the New Year with friends and we'd decided to drop by after our dinner. By the time dinner ended, it was nearly 11pm and enroute to the car, the husband asked if we were still going to the countdown party. My response then was "it's up to you", I then heard the husband call our friend and apologised that we're not able to join them. We headed home.
I was pleased with his decision because it was just better for Kate.
I'm sure there'll continue to be many more situations that arise which will test us. But I'm confident that with the husband, we'll make decisions to our best capability.
Growing up is not marked by an age, or one particular event in life. It is a series of challenges, events and people around you that influence your growth. For me, the husband and the baby are definitely key reasons why I'm all 'grown up' now. We consciously weigh the pros and cons of doing things, manage time more carefully and the decisions we make are not for ourselves but for Kate. I marvel at how far I've come all these years.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The best feeling in the world
On New Years' Day, the husband had a wedding dinner to attend.
That night, I put Kate to sleep. I held her against my body, hearing and feeling her steady breathing. That is what life is about.
It was truly the best feeling in the world.
Love
A family within a family
Jean captioned us as a family within the family. I like that.
My family.
My family.
We ushered in the New Year as a family. It was also a NYE of firsts:
- the first time we 3 attended a wedding dinner together (just the 3 of us)
- the first time we visited the Singapore Flyer (gotta go back again to explore the place more leisurely and thoroughly)
- the first NYE as our very own family of 3
