Talking about something else

Kate is sick. But I don't wish to talk about this - again. I'm tired of going on about how worried and stressed and inconvenienced and heartbroken and sad and tired and (fill in blank as you wish, preferably an expletive) about her. (Not that I don't care about it - I just don't want to think about it for the next 5 minutes as I'm talking about something else.)

It is about the husband and I, and our family car. We have a system where whoever needs the car more will take the car. Usually it involves odd working hours, or anything that involves Kate the princess, or, you get the idea.

It’s actually happened more than once (maybe, thrice?) that we don’t communicate tightly enough and well, we both end up not driving and the car sits in the carpark. It happens because we both leave the house at different times. And we have our own car keys. And we both assume that the other person needs it more & give up the car.

I like that last thought. It shows that we think of each others’ needs before ours, we hope to convenience the other person. There is love.

Of course, when we speak with each other in the day and at the moment we (gasp) discover this folly (horror), we both feel like kicking ourselves in the butt. It’s frustrating! But it’s also funny. And when I think of the arrangements we both go out of the way to make because we think we do not have the car, well, it’s kinda funny. But only in retrospect.

Gotta be more explicit and specific and careful!

Dealing with it all

Our lives have been busy.

I've been trying to find words to describe what we're going through and I'm finding it tough because I don't want to sound like a whinger (though I am whinging). The days whizz by and I'm taking things one step at a time because I cannot deal with too much more. Thinking too much gives me heartburn and my breathing becomes constricted (though that's been happening more with the heavy pregnancy which is only getting heavier). The husband and I have to work as one, now, more than ever before.

My key source of stress is really Kate and her moods - she's so unhappy going to school that I get very sad. Kate's temperament has been erratic, to say the least. For some reason, she rejects naptime and it's translated to her being resistent to sleep at bedtime too (translates to a tough time for the husband and I at home); her sleep is affected - she wakes up in the night sobbing with frustration. Kate cries at the mention of going to school; and she throws tantrums - all of which are very frustrating and trying especially given that she is either deaf to what we tell her (whether we speak nicely or otherwise) or she whimpers very poor-thing-ly "wait for Papa/Mommy/yeye/nainai to fetch me?" repeatedly. The stress I face in the mornings when I have to get both of us out of the house punctually and in decent form (dressed, with no underwear hanging off my clothes!) is indescribable. Her moods, tantrums & behaviour impacts everyone around her because it's so painful having to tend to an upset child throwing a tantrum.

I know what I have to do and I'm trying to do it - being emotional does not help anything at all. But it's still not easy. I've sent out some SOS sms-es to friends & family and received words of consolation and encouragement. But dammit - it's not easy!

I've since written a note to the teacher and flagged some issues that the husband and I are concerned about and as I was at lunch, I received this from the teacher:

"She is lying down by herself happily drinking milk. She is fine in school. Don't worry."

I was so happy! & relieved! I'm thankful of this update and I guess it is true that the girl is merely fussing because of separation anxiety; but she is functioning perfectly well (phew, relief!). There has been that little niggling thought at the back of my mind that there really is something going on that is upsetting her and I've been so worried.

It'd take time for a routine to kick in with us being in our new home and her starting school; the CNY holidays & her being on MC for a week doesn't help the adjustments at all. It's tough but we're tougher. We will ride through it.

We have to.

Over the years

As promised, here are the pictures from once-upon-our-past-Chinese-New-Years!

Thanks to the sister for putting this together. Love that we'll always have memories like these to fall back on - love!

Lunar New Year 2012

More pics from day 1 of Lunar New Year 2012.

Kate in her ang-bao-long dress, posing beside my Mom's pussy willow plant (which she's very proud of)

Simply because her face is so silly *pinches cheeks

Polaroids

Kate with her favourite yiyi

Kate with her favourite nainai

I'm not sure when it started, probably 6-7 years ago(?), our family started snapping a family shot on the couch in our living room on the first day of Lunar New Year. It's become a sort of tradition and it's a must-do for us now! (I'll try to do a series of pics for memory's sake).

Here's our series of traditional shots from this Dragon year:

Us

"Dragon!"

"Rabbit"

"Dragon!"

"Funny face!"

"Snake"

Love

This CNY was very quiet, with us doing visiting to less than 5 homes over the 2 days. But to me, what's really important is that our family was together - we ate together, laughed together and played together - which is what the festival is all about- family.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, this Dragon year will be a challenging and very exciting one for the husband, Kate and I - let us tackle it head-on with positivity and alongside one another. We will be fine!

Love-sandwich

Prosperous Red

Lunar New Year Day 1 - Kate in her new dress (she looks like a walking red packet - so cute!) & new shoes.

Chu Xi

This year's Lunar New Year is extra special for our family because the husband and I have our own home. We've been packing and packing and cleaning and cleaning for the past 2 weeks since we moved in, and last night was spent doing the same - but with that extra touch of festivity with the husband putting up the New Year decorations.

It truly marks a new year for our family, with much to do, challenges to tackle and conquer, new addition of Jake and a fresh new environment in our jia.

I wish my husband all the best in his work and studies - may you continue to do well and scale heights. Be healthy and happy and love me more ok?

To my darling Kate, I wish you best of health and may you continue to grow to be a clever, cheerful and sensible little girl. You'll be a great che che, I know, and I hope you enjoy school and keep singing those cute little songs and say the cutest things that make us laugh!

To my son, Jake - I cannot say enough how much I look forward to seeing you. You'll add new dimensions and changes to our life and I know that our family will become complete.

To everyone reading this - may the Dragon year bring you great health and wealth and happiness! HUAT AH!

Welcome sight to our jia

Sunflowers in our home

From our plant-shopping two days ago, the husband purchased two pots of sunflowers. He's placed them in our balcony and I think it's a nice touch to our home. He's briefed me that we need to water the plants once every morning - he specifically told me the amount of water to use with a particular container that we have.

Yesterday morning, before he went to work, he told me that he's already watered the plants. So I considered the task done and I spent my day off looking after Kate, packing the house, doing cleaning and clearing around the house and supermarketing.

The husband came home from work at about 6pm yesterday. And he exclaimed, "The plant is wilting! Look at the leaves! Must water!"

I looked at him - panicked and bewildered - "but you said you did it already!"

Him, "But look at the leaves! It must have been a hot day and you have to water it when it's in this state."

Me - "...."

He immediately watered the plant. I reminded him (sheepishly) "I told you before that I don't know how to look after animals or plants."

Yesterday night, the leaves have perked up considerably and they have obviously had their fill drinking from (near) dying of thirst.

Observations:

• I really am clueless about planting.
• I can follow instructions ok (I did my part by watering them this morning before I left for work!)
• I now know that I must observe the plant to see how it's looking and feed it when required.
  

Our very tall sunflower plant in a pot

Happy flower = happy family!

Blossoms amidst gloom

Kate's been sick since day 2 of starting school.

It started with a sniffly nose which I tried to nip in the bud immediately by feeding her cold medicine. We brought her to the GP on day 3 (of school) for a cold & cough & a rash that she had anyway. That weekend, she had fever. It subsided within a day and she went back to school on Monday. She attended school every day that week & was on her cough & cold meds that whole week. The second weekend, her temperature spiked again. It crept up to 38.5 on a Saturday afternoon and we had to miss her first scheduled dance class. Over the weekend, she fought the bug but the fever won and on Sunday night, we did an emergency visit to the clinic at 10pm because her fever spiked to 39.5. Her temperature continued to stay high and it’d spike to above 39.5 at least once in every 24 hours – and this has been the way till yesterday. That’s Tuesday and she’s been burning for 4 days already.

The husband made the decision to bring her to the PD because it doesn’t make sense that she keeps burning – so we did. & it’s a good thing we did because after doing a flu & blood test, we found out that the little one has contracted a bacteria infection (sigh, yes, again). She was put on antibiotics immediately and I’m so tired (for her – and us) that she’s so ill again (so soon!) and feel awful. There’s no way to prevent this really, since this bacteria is rather common and can be airborne =_= I guess this is an unwelcome “welcome” gift from childcare. Boo. Her temperature’s still high-ish (ranges from 37-38) for today though I just want the number to drop and stay low. She hates the awful-tasting antibiotics but we have no choice but to force feed that to her – for the next 2 weeks! Poor Kate.

We can kinda tell how high her temperature is at times, because when it goes up it goes so high that her whole body is raging with heat. She also becomes listless and sleepy and a different person. When her temperature dips though, she’s normal! And eating and bouncing. The husband says “my mood, and hers, is dependent on her temperature”.

A little spot of respite yesterday was when her temperature was down (and therefore normal). So we popped into the orchard to shop for CNY plants for our home.

Amidst the (Kate says) "small small oranges!"

Loving the father-and-daughter matching colours

She has some strength to explore (she's been so clingy and much prefers to be carried)

Happy baby = happy parents. Love her smile.

That short flower-shopping session was so fun, because we got our little girl back (for that short while). Before she succumbed to the fever again and crashed to sleep. I cannot cannot cannot (insert swear word) wait for the bug to go (insert another swear word) away! *ggrrr

The husband has been such a rock and logically tending to her with the need-bes: fever patch, cold towel, and the extreme was a bath at 2am one night when she was burning up. Me? I’m mostly feeling emotional and sad seeing her whine & cry from feeling unwell, and well, just feeling sad because she’s in discomfort. I try to hug her as much as I can as she yearns the TLC but I’m hopeless – I attribute it to me being tired and (extra) emotionally-strung-out being this heavily pregnant (just talking to the husband about certain issues make me teary the past 2 weeks). He’s been so steady and made it easier for me by doing on night duty, and taking leave to stay home to look after Kate. [Thank you, my husband]

Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

Please continue to fight this horrible virus & chase it away! Your fever's still fluctuating and last night, you scared me with your 39.7 temperature. I'm thankful that you're still eating and drinking your milk, but the heat can't be good for you at all. Sorry that you have to go through the cold baths and cold towel on your head and fever patch - I know you don't like it but we have no choice.

Papa is devoting all his energy and love in looking after you these two days; I hope the fever stays controlled and goes away very very soon.

Get well my baby.

Love, sad & tired Mommy

Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

You’re growing so healthily!

Last Saturday was our scheduled visit to see you at 33weeks and in the last 4 weeks, you’ve grown nearly 1kg! You’d already grown very well at 1.3kg the previous visit, and last Sat you’re 2.2kg! Mommy’s weight gain is steady and I’ve put on another 1.5kg, putting my overall weight gain at 9.5kg. Doing well, I must say (both of us) so all is good.

Your picture wasn’t fantastic though – no face shots; instead, you showed us your little bumbum and reaffirmed very clearly that YOU ARE A BOY. I couldn’t really understand what the pic was but the doc assured us that you’re definitely a b-o-y. Haha, I guess you’re already showing us your cheeky self!

Your movements, I tell you, are hinging on ouch at times! Like I told you before, I don’t know where you’re trying to go to because you ain’t going anywhere (yet). But I do love the movements – you seem to be listening to me that daytime is meant for play and night time is meant for sleep. Day time is when you can see light as Mommy walks about in the sun/day; and night is when everything’s more blacked out in your safe little haven. Be good and wake up in the daytime and sleep in the night time ok? I do love watching my stomach jiggle as you do whatever it is that you’re doing. Last Saturday, Kate cheche rubbed my tummy for a while and I hope you enjoyed that. I did – knowing that you’re both bonding already. It’s so cute to hear Kate ask “didi come out already?” – we always respond “not yet” – and now, we can say “soon”.

Mommy’s told you that I’m more tired now because we have a lot of things going on in our lives – with the new home shift, with trying to get cheche settled in at school, with packing and moving and cleaning and (oh plentyyyyy I can go on & on) – and I want you to know that you’re part of our lives now so you’ll feel plenty of what I do. Don’t worry though, no matter how stressed or worried or busy I am, you’re always with me and I’m glad that you’re part of our lives. You’ll add another dimension to our lives and that’ll be exciting (to say the least).

Sometimes, I feel bad (Mommy is only human) and I worry that you’re not receiving enough love (because I’m so busy with so much), then I think that it’s not possible because you’re such a good boy and there is no way that I do not love you – you are my son, my baby, the new bundle of fun & joy to be part of the Seah family.

Another 7 weeks till we meet, my dear boy.

I love you.

Love, Mommy

The husband says

"Don't cry la. Just do it lo."

Such a simple theory. Don't be emotional (it's the hormones! I've been more teary lately) and just do what needs to be done.

So, we

• keep packing and unpacking and cleaning the house (never-ending)
  
• keep shopping around for knicks & knacks that make our house a home (round 2 done, more bits & pieces to go)
  
• Settling Kate into her new (improved) life (tough. but just gotta do it and pray it gets easier. There are good days and better days)
  
• Grit our teeth and suck it up
• To speak to each other with respect (not snap)
  
• To not snap back if the other party loses it (no point)
• To move quicker cos time is very precious
• To get as much sleep as possible given our daily-gazillion-things-that-need-to-be-done
• To give thanks for whatever we have, because no matter how tough things are we are blessed and there are plenty who are worse off

Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

The past month has been rather (too?) exciting for you – from the time that you fell very ill with that horrid bacteria infection saga. I watched you become a lifeless doll with glazed eyes; just thinking back on how you were then breaks my heart. Ever since you were discharged though, you’ve become naughtier – you throw tantrums when you want your way and you let us know it very loudly and very clearly. I’m not sure why, perhaps it’s because you’ve experienced extreme emotions (more so than you’ve ever before in your life) & you’ve found this to be the way to express yourself. I really hope that you’ll learn to be more patient and listen to us. We love you so much and it pains me to see you that distressed; upsets/angers me to see you become outta control just because; and frustrated because we cannot possibly give in to your demands always.

Cliché as it sounds, what Papa and I do is in your best interest and I know you won’t get it until you’re grey in your hair that not getting your way always is just the of life – you have to learn through the hard way; but in the process of your learning, it’s truly a learning experience for me too – cos I have to remember that you’re going through your own emotions and you are trying to cope too.

Talking about coping, I must say that I’m very proud of you. The next new big thing in your life is school! You have done pretty well – it’s day 8 today. You started off loving it with heaps of enthusiasm, so much that you refused to leave. I guess the novelty’s worn off slightly and for the past 2 days you’ve been crying when dropped off. It makes me so sad to know that you’re mildly distressed, though it’s very normal for you to be feeling some level of discomfort. Your excitement for school is still there though, and you are more than happy to put on your uniforms in the morning; and each night when I ask you if you wish to go to school the next day, you always say “yes”. I guess you’re just mildly confused about being stuck at this new place for too long a time. Papa and I will try our best to make the necessary arrangements so that you don’t stay there too long each day, but it’s inevitable that there will be days that you’ll be there longer. I’m sorry that you’ll need to adjust and get used to school, but you are a clever girl and I know you will learn very well, develop very quickly & hopefully adapt to school and not be upset (soon please).

You are still struggling with the concept of sharing – which is again something that I cannot help you with. I can only continue to remind you that it’s the right thing to do and you’ll have to learn to do the right thing. I know you’re unhappy to share (you blatantly say “I don’t want to share. I want all by myself!”) but this behavior will only make you more miserable – again, you have to learn to let go and share; no other way about this.

Another big thing is that we have moved. You ask to “go home” thinking it’s our old place, yet at the same time, you are happy with “Kate’s new home” – you like your new room, though you wake sleep interrupted in the night; I’m not sure why exactly, but I figure that you’re definitely needing to adjust and adapt to the new space. I love how you are happy to explore and walk about the house and I hope you’ll learn to love your new home. And learn to sleep properly (through the night please). Picking up the flu bug at school doesn’t help and probably makes you feel awful (no one likes coughing and a sniffly nose) though again, it’s another by-product that we have little choice but to soldier on with.

Oh Kate, you are our darling and I just hope that you’ll adapt quickly so that you’re more settled into our new life. It pains me to know that you are uncomfortable with all that’s going on – it’s very overwhelming, I know. Even I feel it, much less little you. So much going on for your little mind, so I don’t blame you for getting anxious and cranky though please know that just because we don’t give in to all your demands, Papa and I love you very much and we are always here for and with you.

Things will be better soon, my dear, we’ll be ok!

Pretty in maxi-uniform (morning)

Uniform polo & skorts (afternoon)

Love, Mommy

Birthday pic - actual day

Just so we'll have something to remember by next year; cake compliments of the bestie and her husband (good friends are treasures); first birthday celebration of the year in our little family in our new home (new beginnings); Kate dressed in her school uniform (a start of something new & challenging for our girl too); me and my bump (another bundle of joy that will bring boundless fun & love to our lives).

Here's to a beautiful year ahead for you - face challenges as you usually do - bravely and confidently; love your family with all your heart and know that we are always by your side; may you stay healthy and happy, strong & lean and prosper and excel as you turn 32 (32!)

Love always, Kate, Jake and me

Happy birthday, my love

Dear husband,

I've known you since we were both 16, that's half our lives ago. I've watched you morph from a healthy, bouncy teenager who loves basketball to the cool working soldier who plays more soccer in your early teens. Today, you are a very good man and I'm lucky to be the woman in your life.

I'd shared our story before, and I'm always amazed at how far we have come & where we are today. We've had plenty of celebrations like Christmas and anniversaries, and today, it's your day as you celebrate turning 32. Though we don't have anything super planned for today, I hope you'll remember it as a homely one. We'll be having dinner in our own home, with our little family of 3+1 and it'll be an exciting first for us!

32 may seem old, but it's not at all, really. Especially not for a handsome, healthy chap like you! Today, you have your own transport, you have 1.5kids, you have me (ah hem) and the newest accomplishment is your own home! You're faring well at work and you're also improving yourself through studies - all of which adds to the busy-ness in your life, so much so that it's overwhelming; but do know that I'll be here by your side supporting you and helping you as much as I can through it all. We are a team!

Your first birthday cake, yesterday (10 Jan 2012)

Your daughter and you have the same eyes

Your 32 candles being blown out, all by Kate

Us

You are such a good man and I love you with all my heart. The year ahead will be a fun ride (which has already started, really) & I'm so thankful that we have so much past experiences that make us the strong and happy couple that we are. We'll continue our relationship steadily with respect, love and more communication so that we can become the ah-gong and ah-ma that still hold hands in our golden years.

Happy birthday, my husband.

Love, me.

Moved

We have moved! Officially!

Yesterday morning, the husband did the official necessaries and after work, we went to the hypermart and purchased $300 worth of things to spiff up our home. From groceries (bread, spreads, toothbrush etc) to utilities (dustbin, floor mats, towels etc). We popped by my Mom’s for Kate to take a shower (mini hiccup of not having hot water in our home yet) & we headed home!

It felt so surreal to have a new space of our own and I tried to stay focused by doing the important things – like preparing Kate for bed – then once the husband was in the room putting her to sleep, I pottered around trying to pack and get things organized. I definitely wasted a lot of time because everything was so unfamiliar and I made too many trips walking around aimlessly or forgetting to take this/that and trying to make the place mine. I definitely have plenty more packing to do! (Note to husband: once I re-organise a little more, you’ll have space I assure you!)

It was so cute to see Kate excited and willing to sleep in her new room (I got new bed!) and besides mentioning to the husband “I want to go home” once before she fell asleep, she’s accustomed well to the new surroundings. We are educating her that “this is your new home”. She fell asleep pretty ok and it was so cute to see her sleeping on her own little bed (ok, not that little. It’s a super single. But she’s always slept on the queen bed with me and she now has her very own bed!) I felt a slew of emotions as I watched her sleeping – I’ve probably never had her sleep not by my side when we’re under the same roof and it felt odd to leave her, and when I shared this with the husband he said “then you sleep with her la”. I thought for 2 seconds and said “no. I’m going to sleep on my own. In 2 month’s time I’ll be up every hour already!” And marched off to my new master bedroom.

I must say that the master bedroom is truly a restful place. Though I’m still not used to the new bed and room, what’s nice about the room is that there are no distractions nor clutter. Currently, all there is in the room is our bed. The soft carpets & curtains add a nice touch to make the room feel very cosy. I notice that the house is noisier compared to our old place (much traffic noise) and tonight, I may try sleeping without the air-conditioning. The night breeze is quite cool and if it is comfortable enough, we can save some utility bill simultaneously.

One of the last thoughts I had before going to sleep last night, was that the space in our little haven is more than enough for our little family. At night, Kate’s in her room, I’m in mine and the husband his. Ok, so the living room is not his room per se, but he now has more than ample space to do everything he wants in all that space while the daughter and I are out of his hair. I’ve yet to speak with him but I reckon he finds the space liberating. And probably very enjoyable. It’s so different from when the 3 of us were packed into one room before!

This morning, I got up earlier because I wanted more time to potter & waddle around the house. I had to make sure that I was ready before being able to get Kate ready – that was the plan. I was in the shower (I’d left the door ajar) & suddenly there she was, standing at the door! I got a mini shock and greeted her “good morning!” – she just looked at me, rubbed her eyes sleepily and headed off to the living room. I was quite amused because she was obviously not interested in talking to me and more keen to just do her own thing (preferring to explore). She came back 20seconds later holding the box of pandan cake & announced “Got cake! I want to eat!” …

I stepped out of the shower quickly, and gave her some cake & warm water while fluttering to get myself ready for work. I then proceeded to get her cleaned up for school – I could tell that she was still getting used to the place, she kept wanting to walk about the house with the cake in her hand and I had to tell her “no” (threatening to clear her plate if she didn’t stay to finish it). Miraculously, I got both of us ready to leave the house at 8am – the agreed time that the Dad will come pick us. Thank goodness I have family support where the lovely yeye sent Kate to school. I orientated yeye to the school so that he can help do so on his own soon, and I got a ride to work! Definitely have to get used to this preparing two of us routine in the mornings.

I’m really looking forward to going home tonight. I have much packing to do and I want to make it more livable for us all *nesting instinct kicking in

On another note, it was a breeze dropping Kate off at school. It starts the moment we enter the compounds, she'll climb up the flight of steps & start looking (staring) at the other kids who are going to school too. She'll then head straight to the school entrance and do the dos (take off her shoes & allow the teacher to take her temperature & check her body/hands/feet) & she marched right in. Today, she was very adorable - I'm guessing that because there weren't any kids around at that point in time, she wasn't (so) distracted and she sat on the mini chair, looked at me and said (while waving) "goodbye Mommy" - I was very happy!