The girl with the head band

I started out wanting to talk about my princess' new headband (thus the subject title), then after ploughing through pictures of her, I decided to do an entry to mark the developments of her hair.

It may seem that she has very little hair, it has made marked progress. Let's take a look at my baby and her hair and different looks with different head-wear.

Kate with her birth hair. This also happens to be her passport picture. This is also the last set of pictures that we took before her first haircut.

Kate, with her freshly shaven head


The husband likes to call her yuan yuan

Kate with our (the husband and I) favourite hat. It is a Levis' white cap. We love it because it fit her perfectly and because it is white, it very nicely matched any clothes that she wore.

Kate in her other pretty white hat. The sister and I bought this for her, because we felt that one white hat was not enough for K.

Kate's hair - a little of it.

You can kinda make out the stubble on her head

Just more pictures of my shaven baby in many different haha expressions

Kate in a pretty pink headband

Kate in a beanie

Kate with her hair - more of it by now

The more recent picture of Kate in a new headband.

I love how having a head-piece really frames her sweet features and makes her look like a girl. Not having much hair is tough for my girl as she's constantly being mistaken for a boy. Ok, maybe not tough as she doesn't know any better. Heh.

My very special journey

I've always wanted to breastfeed. I've learnt about the benefits of it for my child, for me and for us and I knew that I want to do it. I've known of people who did it successfully, as well as others who didn't do it so well. I've heard different versions of stories about it - some good, some not so great - none of it changed my opinion. I wanted to breastfeed my child.


Here's a shot of my (then) very new family. We were still in the delivery ward, and that was Kate and my first contact with each other. I don't truly remember the actual act, though I remember the nurses asking if I wanted to breastfeed and when I said 'yes', they were very keen and helpful to bring the baby to me for our first latch. I do remember Kate suckling at my breast and I think the feeling was a mix of amazement (hey check out that cute little mouth moving away at my breast?!) and happiness (aawww look at my baby suckling away...)

The doctors and nurses at Thomson Medical were very helpful and encouraged breastfeeding. The pediatrician told me scientific reasons why breastfeeding is good while the lactation consultants gave group and individual lessons about breastfeeding. The theory I'd tried to read up and heard of, the practical was very overwhelming. I remember 'feeding' Kate in the first 3 days while we were still in hospital and as I hadn't started producing milk then, I did cling fiercely to the columstrum I was producing and held fast to the belief that it was good and enough for Kate.

On the third day when we were all discharged from the hospital, I had my first argument about breastfeeding. An elder was convinced that my poor daughter was starved as I still wasn't producing milk and that was my first meltdown on the subject. I am very proud that I held firm in wanting to breastfeed Kate wholly. I did not wish to mix any formula milk for her as I believed that breast is best.

Oh, what memories of those early days. I remember the anxiety at not knowing if I was doing it right, the pain of engorgement when the milk kicked in (I got a mild fever), the release of blocked milk ducts (aided by the Malay massage lady), the relief when my colustrum started changing colour from a clear-yellow colour to clear-white.

As breastmilk is highly digestible (part of why it is good for a newborn's digestive system), I had to feed Kate every 2 hours and it was not easy. I was tired and stressed, but I kept going. I wanted to breastfeed her wholly, I wanted to breastfeed her wholly.

I remember feeling quite triumphant when Kate suckled like a champ. I felt my uterus contracting when the job was done right. I remember the sister buying some vitamins for me (I'd requested her to) while I was still pregnant because I was already preparing for any form of help in case my milk supply wasn't sufficient. I was in tears struggling to do what I wanted to, fending off any comments that I didn't have to do total breastfeeding. I wanted to breastfeed her wholly, I wanted to breastfeed her wholly.

I remember calling up friends and asking many questions related to breastfeeding and combing through many many websites that provided me any form of information about the subject. I was truly stressed out and thinking back, I didn't really have much to worry about. Though I did. I attribute my stress to the fact that it mattered so much to me. I also wanted to do it right and I knew that I was the sole one responsible for being able to feed her. It truly meant a lot to me.

We got into a pretty good (and tiring) system after two weeks and I was very happy.

My next bout of stress came about just before I had to come back to work and I had to get my head about the concept of freezing milk. I blame preggo brain, though I was truly quite thick-skulled and I could not seem to work out how I was going to get my express-milk system going. After alot of (self-inflicted) stress, and also asking around about 200 people for advice, I purchased the required tools. I bought ice packs, borrowed a thermal bag, got extra milk bottles and by sheer luck, I also changed upon a 2nd set of a milk pump. I was very lucky.

I remember how ecstactic I felt when I had enough milk to feed and to store. The MIL was very helpful and made space in the freezer for milk storage. It was very thrilling to be able to provide for Kate and even have some kept aside for emergencies. I felt very gratified doing my job well.

I missed latching Kate when I came back to work. It was not only much more convenient, but I also missed the intimacy and bond. But as with all things, time helped settle matters and I got into my new system of expressing milk at work and shuttling the precious gold from work back home to feed Kate.

It became a new way of life for me. I had to ensure that I had a private room to express milk if I was not with Kate, and I got into the hang of feeding Kate every few hours. It was rather inconvenient at times, when I had to make provisions for expressing milk at training sessions outside of office, when I was away from pump and Kate for long periods of time and my breasts felt like they were going to burst. I remember losing my temper at the husband on the subject matter before, mostly because I was stressed out.

All this time, I still exchanged stories about breastfeeding with my friends and I still always appreciated anytime someone told me how well I was doing.

The husband and I got into a very comfortable routine of 'bringing the feeding shawl out' so I could feed her wherever we were. We didn't have to worry about extra bottles, hot water etc, because I could feed Kate.

I'd already made a decision that I'd only breastfeed Kate till she's 1 year old. A while ago, I made the decision to cut down on feeding Kate and begin the weaning process. Very quickly, my supply fell and within 2 weeks, I was down to 2pumps a day. It's been a month since and I'm pretty much down to very limited supply.

Kate is now 10 months and 2weeks old. And yesterday, for the first time in her life, she tasted formula milk.

I will miss breastfeeding my precious daughter, but I know that it has been a great journey for us both.

The worst week

After a great 'high' from my holiday, I dipped into a real 'low' last week.

I mean, I was prepared (somewhat) for the onslaught of work because I knew the work-plan for the week. What I had not anticipated was that I would fall ill. I ran a fever on-off the entire week and had to push on at work in spite of it. So for 3 whole days, I had to function like clockwork and keep going, because I felt responsible about what I had to do.
It was also exceptionally tough, because besides dealing with my breaking-down-body, I also missed Kate, and on one particularly long night (the team left work at 3am), I totally missed my motherly and wifely duties when it slipped my mind to inform the husband that I was not heading home yet - affecting his sleep and the need to prep for Kate's night feeds.

It was horrible.

On Saturday night, the world crashed as I became overwhelmed with the pain, the disappointment and the unhappiness that I'd been fighting over time. The demons within came alive, it was doom and very very gloom.

It's now Monday and the worst of it has waved by.

I still need time to get over the trauma (it's all in the head) but a few things I'm thankful for:
1. The sister
for the support, for really understanding.

2. The husband
I only react so muchly because you mean so much to me, you know. And I know you will always love me, I will too, but you, being the logical being that you are, will never really understand why me, being the emo me that I am, is like this. I just am.

3. The baby
The key reason and being of my life. If I never knew what kept me going before, I will never forget why now. Somehow, at the depths of my sadness, I always knew that I was never as broken as before. I knew that I cannot indulge (too much) and I had to bounce back, because I had to be accountable to and for Kate.

Cotton-wool

That's how my brain feels like.

There's also a bass beating between my temples, creating a stingy ache that pulls my neck and shoulder muscles.

I need to go home and rest.

*sulk

Bugged

It started out with a mildly leaky nose yesterday morning.

And suddenly, an hour after we tried to put Kate to sleep at night (a 2-hour process), she woke up suddenly coughing badly and retching. I suspected that her tummy was unwell, the husband said it may be her choking due to the phlegm clogging up her throat.

After applying the all-time-favourite juyi oil on her tummy, and rocking her, Kate finally went back to sleep after 1 & 1/2 hours. She cried quite a bit and I could sense her discomfort.

This morning, her nose started running and the MIL brought her to the doctors'.

Kate's down with a stomach virus of sorts (gives her wind - which explains the retching) and she has a cold.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, wondering if anything I did in the past few days had caused her to fall ill. I also console myself that my little one is building her own antibodies that will make her stronger than before.

It's probably a seasonal thing as I also have a sore throat and leaky nose (which worsened as the day progressed).

I'm looking forward to going back to give my baby a hug. Or maybe, I should say I am really looking forward to going back to receive a hug from her.

Time for I, me, myself

I just came back from Hong Kong yesterday night. I spent 3 days there with my girlfriends and it was a fantastic trip! We ate, we shopped, we ate, we shopped - repeat 20 times through the day.

It was the first trip for me away from both the husband and Kate and it was such a good one. Not that I didn't think about or miss them, but it was a good break for me with my friends.

Gotta love the post-holiday high I'm still on with memories of the trip fresh in my mind.

2+2

There were 2, and now there are 2 more. My baby has 4 teeth.

Gotta love this cheeky grin!

Friday night out with Kate

We needed more help than this sign to get us to the right place.

Thanks to the sister.

Kate meets Walter, the very cute ginormous rabbit.

My baby and I, Hello

Floribots, which fascinated Kate as they kept moving

Kate trying to escape from under the giant mushroom in The Enchanged Forest.

Under an enchanted tree in the forest

Playing with fake butterflies

Sitting on a floor of daisies

After many attempts, the husband manages to get Kate to stand on the fake grass

Kate not enjoying how the grass feels

Still grimacing, she didn't hop!

SAM

Sneaking in some alone time

It is important to have quality time with people you love and this has never been more true after I became a mother.

Kate takes up a lot of my time and the little I have left is divided between the necessary routines (showering, eating etc) and the things I have to do (work) and the roles I have to play (being a wife, a friend, a lover) and being my own person (exercise, facial, read etc).

Last night, I reached home 15minutes earlier than usual and I felt like there was so much I could do! I decided, on a whim, to bring Kate down to the supermarket for a quick shop. It was so fun - I love carrying her, seeing her respond and marvel at people and things.

Last Saturday, the husband and I spent Saturday night all to ourselves. We caught a DVD just like the old days pre-baby and we both could sleep on the bed without worrying that we'd squash Kate.

Time alone with your loved ones are the best ones.

Missing you

Dear Kate,

Every weekend is precious, not merely because I don't have to work, but I have time to spend with you. And it's also become exceptionally tough to face Mondays because on top of the usual "Monday Blues", I also have to tear myself away from you.

Each morning, I promise you the same things, "Mommy will think of you through the day, you be a good girl ok? I will come back after work and we'll be together again. Mommy loves you very much."

Missing you, my precious Kate.

Love always, Mommy

Bunny

Kate's top 2 teeth have finally pushed through the gums and they are rather visible now. This is great news as her gums aren't as achey and she's in much better spirits. The teeth look rather big - just like that of teeth on my side of the family (especially that of mine and my brother's).

The husband calls her, in jest, the bunny.