Reflections on maternity break second time round

I'm nearly at the end of my maternity leave (11 weeks when I head back to work next Monday) and while I was not ready for it to begin (a week early), I can add "I packed my hospital bag between contractions!" to the "list of things I've done in my life" - heh. 


11 weeks doesn't seem that long (I have 5 more weeks to clear) but to watch my little boy grow from a newborn to this kicking, semi-flipping not-as-little boy, I am truly thankful that I was able to spend all these time with him. Of course, because I'm home, the spill-over effect is that I'm spending time with my first-born too - and as I've said before, time spent together is time spent together and it's all yours to own.

I want to pen down some key things I picked up during this time. It is a lot of self-reflection and I'm not proud of all of the below, but they are real and they are me.

1. I have some serious hormonal issues
Now, this is no surprise to me (or anyone who knows me, really). I'm Miss Emo - I rely heavily on my emotions to do things, to make decisions, to react to anything and well, one good thing is that I'm alive for sure (all the feelings!). On the flip-side, being so emotional on top of (or is it the foundation of) baby-hormones, let's just say I swung between deliriously happy to depressingly suicidal. Ok, I wasn't suicidal but I did feel an awful lot of despair and while I was acutely aware that I was feeling down, actually feeling it, well, didn't feel good at all.

Anyone who's been through parenting a newborn will know the usual - how tired you get, and how much you have on your hands. Add that to having to manage a toddler, truly I was hell scared and stressed out about it. It didn't help that my 2yo was ill and passed it to the baby and dealing with willing them to recover with meds, I drove myself nuts inside feeling guilt and whatnots for being a bad mom.

I have a terrible temper and I'm ashamed to say that I did a lot of yelling in the initial period. I yelled at Kate for being a child (oh! her antics!) and I agree with the husband that I model after my mom, and I also want to do something about it. But during those moments, I really felt lost and down and I just couldn't control myself. It's very sad to know that I'm not able to control my emotions and in turn upset Kate and probably traumatised her in some way. The good thing out of this all, is that while I'm still no Miss Zen, I'm a lot better and I have learnt to bite my teeth (like, I really do it) and I no longer lash out at Kate already. There are moments that I really still want to murder, but I'm able to reflect and breathe at the moment and think about how better to manage the tense situation - and till now, I've had more successes than failure and I really pat myself on my back.

It's a good step towards being better at managing myself and it can only be for the better.

2. I have conquered my fear
The stress of dealing with two all on my own - that really was my fear. I had doubts that I would fail, I was certain that the house will burn down and I wouldn't be able to cope. I panicked at the thought of having both kids with me alone in the house. I felt sad that I couldn't engage Kate when I had to provide for Jake. I worried that Jake will lose his voice from crying so hard when I was tending to Kate. It was traumatic and I was truly stressed. This spilled into my relationship with the husband and let's just say I wasn't a ball of fun (add to point 1 of me being hormonal and weepy. Oh boy).

However, through sheer bulldozing (while biting my teeth), I did it. It was tough. I had to juggle and not die in the process (nor murder anything - even the plant in my house is still alive, though flowerless). And after a day, two, three... I did it. I got used to dealing with two kids and a house alone. Ok, I wasn't alone always. I had help from the family and husband, but I did have to deal with being alone for parts of the day. And honestly, those hours were scary. But I really did it!

Now, I look back to that darkish period of my life and I'm so proud of myself. It was actually dark only in my mind. Truth is, it wasn't all that dark nor bad. And I was really hard on myself. Like, I wouldn't have hurt my kids in any way at all but it was just awful in my mind.

3. I did enjoy myself
Whether it is only a short burst of laughter, seeing Jake's first smile, hearing Kate say "I love you Mommy" despite my awful behaviour... there's been truly happy moments. To witness and experience being a parent 24/7 to my children, that's honestly something that no one can take from me, this time that I've invested in them and learnt from them. I'm glad that I am quite a maniac photo-taker - because I'll have pictures to look back at and laugh at, to remember all the moments with my children.

As the bestie says, "it's only a matter of time that you go back to work. So no need to be upset." - how true. So emo, I shall try not to be (it's all about control) and just face what I have to.

After all, whether I'm with them 2 hours a day, or 20, I'm the only mother they will ever know. And no matter how imperfect I may be, I love them with all my heart.