Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

This is your Mother speaking. I wish you will look me in the eye more when I talk to you. I know I don't spend the most time with you comparatively but it hurts when I'm not your preferred. I know, I know, I know I cannot think that way but I can't help myself.

I wish that I knew how to kick your nasty sleeping habits at night time. You wake up so often and don't seem to be changing for the better. This really tires me out; and everyone else in the house for that matter. And today, your father raised a good point - if we don't appease you, you must be feeling miserable too. And that made me sad. I'm sad that I don't know how to attend to your needs as well as I ought to be, because if I did, you must be happier no? But then again, perhaps I should be proud that you're such a strong baby to know what you want (and don't want) and boy do you let us know of it loud and clear.

Having a second child may seem easier because I've done it before, but the truth is, the whole experience just seems easier cos it's more familiar, but it's still nothing like before. Because you are your own person, just like Kate is hers, and because of that, the entire experience is unique. I'm juggling new issues and new challenges with you because there are so many other factors involved in bringing a life into this world.

A passer-by commented "so cute" as I was carrying you. I smiled, and she frowned when you kept whining and semi-crying. I knew that you were sleepy and my smile became strained as I rocked you, willing you to become comfortable and go to sleep. She smiled and said "being a mother, you must be very patient. I have 4 and now 3 grandchildren". 

I have become more patient after becoming a mother. But with more responsibilities, I've also developed a shorter fuse. I'm reminded that you're still a baby (albeit a fierce one), and that you are not that difficult to look after. I just need to remember that you are not a chore, but my child, one who I love to be with even if it's to tend to your basic needs. Because if I were not to do it wholeheartedly for you, my child, then who do I give my all to?

My child, I really love you so much and that's why it hurts. Mommy is still learning how to do the best for you, though I can assure you it's my best I'm giving.

Watching over you forever

Love, Mommy