Stay-home Mom

That's pretty much what I've been the past 5 days. Ever since Kate was hospitalised, I'd not stepped into the office and instead, spent my time thinking about her, worrying about her, being with her and/or doing things for her. There's been little reprieve and I've been so stressed and tired. Of course, I know I'm not alone - the lucky girl has so many people praying for her, loving her and offering their help; but as with most important matters, what truly matters is what the husband or I do.

Since last Thursday, the husband and I played tag. He'd do the night shift and I'd do the day. I'm luckier in the sense that when it's night, I simply come home from the hospital and go to sleep. What I feel - the emotional distress & loneliness & fear lying alone in the bed - is pretty much self-conjured. He, on the other hand, sleeps poorly at the hospital with Kate and in the daytime, still finds time to run certain errands that has to be done. Needless to say, we were elated to hear that she can be discharged.

I'm happy to say that Kate's made progress since her discharge yesterday. True, she is uber whiney and "Mummy" never sounded so lovely yet grating all at once (try hearing it 25x repeat in a span of 3minutes, then repeat again after another 5-10), cos as I shared with the bestie, I'll rather she be whiney than revert to that lifeless form she was in laying in hospital. She refuses milo, her once-upon-a-time favorite drink - it's probably due to the fact that she associates it with vomiting now. She's also smart enough to know that she cannot eat much and while she does ask for bread, she doesn't badger us for more when we offer her some (what amount we ascertain her stomach can take).

Today, her entire day's intake works out to be:

• About one & half slice of red-bean bread - where she pretty much picked out the beans to eat, leaving the bread untouched
• About half a pack of H20 - sipped sparingly through the day
• Some meds - 2 doses of the anti-vomitting medicine before food
• 2 feeds of plain white porridge - probably about 5 mouthfuls each time
• 2 pieces of Koko Krunch cereal (a reward for taking her vomit medicine)
• 1 fruit pastille - which she sneakily helped herself to (!) and yes, I've since moved that pack away so that she cannot access it anymore
• Sips of warm water
• Night feed of soy-milk

It's really not much, nor very nutritional; but she's still retching occasionally (but no more throwing up since yesterday) and I really do not dare to let her consume more. Keeping some down is better than none. Her diarrhea is also getting better, but she's still going on average 2x a day.

What really rocks though, is that she is talking and whining and she's even laughed a little and able to smile for me. It really breaks my heart to see her unhappy and unwell, yet not being able to do anything at all but hold her and will the bad, bad bug to go away.

Spending these days with her really tires me, because like I said, there is no reprieve. I'm constantly working - this is on top of the work I've had to attend to; random calls, checking of emails - and it doesn't help that I'm physically not so nimble - my breaking back due to pregnancy. And the stress of not being too close in contact with her (I don't even want to imagine the complications) resulting in my washing of hands a million times a day; me not being able to hug or kiss her properly... o yes, and the dumb rain that doesn't go away resulting in laundry pilling up (no ordinary laundry, it's plenty of hospital-contaminated clothes!) - ugh. My brain doesn't stop moving!

Makes me wonder whether I can make it as a stay-home Mom? I'd harbored dreams of being so, the first was when I had to leave Kate when she was 3months+ old and I had to go back to work. And every time I hear someone in that role, I'll sigh with envy. I know it's not all a bed of roses - and it's easy to go mental what with the fixed routine of things. But I'm also aware of every little thing that the girl does, without hearing snippets from people. I witness for myself her antics and movements through the day. I get to see her grumpy/sleepy/happy face. And in turn, she sees mine too. Will she remember how much time we spent together in years to come? Does she know how much we love her?

I'm going to hit the sack now and not think too much of the baton I'm passing on to the MIL & the husband's cousin who will be holding the Kate-fort tomorrow. I do know that I'll be on tenterhooks (my half-glass-empty side will imagine the worst and expect that phone call) and I will be missing Kate very, very much.