How am I doing?

Physically: I went for my follow-up with my gynae a week after I was discharged from hospital and he gave the "all clear" - i.e. my uterus has shrunk (normal) and my stitches were healing naturally. My initial discomfort (that irritating spot) has gone away (phew) and I'm pretty much feeling normal and well (uh, there). My next appointment is a month later, for a regular pap smear (which should end my pregnancy journey with my gynae).

A terrible side effect of confinement (everything heaty) is that I've developed heat rash all over my body (shoulders, stomach, back, joint-areas, neck) though this may not be purely because of my diet (probably because of the lack of a nice, cold shower!) I do, however, get to take (very) hot showers daily (a quick rinse) and on alternate days, the Mother will boil this herbal water that smells rather heavenly (lemongrass & ginger) - my bathroom smells like a spa and though the water is dark coloured, I don't care because I get to wash (scrub) my hair and body - the feeling after a shower is indescribably amazingly great!

A piece of great news is that I've lost a total of 8kg thus far (I put on 11kg for this pregnancy); though my tummy flab is still there (boo), even after the week of jamu massage. The massage did help though, in toning up my limbs, and now I probably look 4-months pregnant than 6! With Kate, it took me about 2 months to get back into shape and I don't think it'd be any quicker this time round (if I'm lucky). So I'm trying not to think too much about it and be thankful that I have at least lost the weight and well, it'd take time and exercise for my body to get back into something more decent.

My back is probably my biggest concern - it's been achy since forever and it's really creaky now. I think it's something that I have to get used to living with for the rest of my life. I'm really trying my best with this confinement business and keeping myself covered where sanely possible and I really hope I don't become an arthritic young lady anytime soon!

My appetite (as with Kate) is very healthy and I'm very lucky to be fed nutritional meals (made with love). I try to eat everything provided as I know that they're meant to be good in some way or other. The mother makes the efforts to double-boil my soups for a long time and I really appreciate her efforts, so I do my best to consume all the healthy goodness.

I'm sure Jake is consuming plenty of this rich goodness as I'm doing total breastfeeding. I breastfed Kate and I'm doing the same with Jake now. I'm not sure if I can feed Jake as long as I did Kate (a year) but I'm going to try my best. The feeling of breastfeeding is very familiar and it's really a great chance to bond with my son. I feel responsible for his weight gain and let's just say it's the one thing I can provide for him and I plan to do so for as long as I can (as I did with Kate). I'm happy that my breasts are 'smart' and it's probably the same theory as riding a bicycle where your brain and body don't forget how to do so no matter how long it's been you last did it - sure, it was slightly uncomfortable at the beginning with my nipples being very sore for a few days - but everything's running like clock-work now and they didn't even get engorged! Isn't the body and brain an amazing thing?

Sleep is a huge thing and I don't think I'm getting enough of it - largely because I'm doing night feeds with Jake and it's impossible to sleep well when it's interrupted. I also don't get to nap much in the day time as it's too warm and uncomfortable. I also have to look after Kate & she's quite a handful. I have plenty of thoughts about her and how she's coping with Jake, but that's a pretty serious topic and I need time to sort my thoughts out before I write about it another time.

Mentally: I'm definitely stronger this time round, compared to the first. I'm a lot calmer and more relaxed. Previously, when Kate cried, I'd panic and not be able to stand it that she was crying. This time round, when Jake cries, I continue to finish up whatever I'm doing before going to feed him. I just feed when he starts to cry and I'm not really trying to fit things into a "routine" - I tried to do so with Kate before and stressed myself out a great deal; so I've learnt my lesson and am a lot more chill now.

Emotionally: I do get slightly weepy sometimes, mostly when I talk about stressful matters with the husband (childcare arrangements) - and it's usually when I start to feel that I'm not able to cope or doing the best for my children - and I get sad. But I try not to let it get to me and after a hug and kiss from the husband, I usually just shelf it aside for now. After all, there's only that much talking and planning we can do. The real test will present itself when we actually do it.

Kate is the key cause of my emotional strain at the moment. I'll write in detail another time, but I just feel torn between her and Jake. I also feel bad every time she lapses into a tantrum "I want Mommy..."

I need time to be strong and work out how I can cope with Kate and Jake. It'd take time and I know everything will work out, especially with the husband by my side. And I'm glad that I have him, or I would definitely not be able to do it on my own.