Losing it

Handling two children is well, not. easy. "Of course it's not", you may say. But really, it isn't. And it's one of those things you cannot really plan nor imagine how it may turn out because there are many factors involved and this is made even more unpredictable as it involved people and their reactions/emotions.

"Will Kate reject her brother? How will she take to him? How will she respond to me carrying a baby and not her? Will she react adversely to the attention that's shown to her brother, regardless of our constant loving?" ... There was plenty of uncertainty and none of which we can truly prepare for as a lot depended on Kate. Besides that, there is also dealing with me - "Will I be able to go through looking after a newborn again? Am I ready to share my affection and attention between two? When will I ever have time for my husband, or myself?" ... While these were questions flowing through my brain like tornado waves, fast & furious, there were no answers.

It's been a bit more than two weeks of being a mother of two and you need help, plenty of it to get through it. I have not been alone with both children at all during this time, yet I'm already fearing the responsibility and the seemingly impossible task. I'm frightened by the prospect of it and that makes me feel rather sad - shouldn't I, being the mother of my children yearn to look after and give them all I've got? Am I not a good mom?

In this short two-week period, I have lost my temper on three occasions.

The first was when I witnessed Kate patting her brother on his stomach over-zealously. I was approaching the cot and from where I was, I could see and hear her exerting more and more pressure as she patted (hit) him. I quickened my pace as I approached her and my face must have looked thunderous because she cowered when I reached her. I was so mad with her yet frightened that she had hurt Jake. I didn't think, I immediately carried her and I laid her down on the bed (hard) and put a pillow over her tummy and I patted her very hard (not painful, the pillow cushioned her well), while saying "do you want me to hit you hard? You cannot hit Jake!" This sudden action frightened her and she started to cry. I also regained some composure suddenly and I stopped. And talked to Kate quietly - I explained to her that she cannot hit Jake hard as he's very little and she didn't like it when I hit her hard, did she (no) so she shouldn't do it to her brother. By now, I was in control and no longer feeling maniac and I also went on to say that no one ever patted her hard when we put her to sleep so she cannot play rough with her brother.

The second occasion was when Jake had pooped and I was trying to change him - while he was bawling his lungs out. Kate came running along and she insisted on "helping" and I could feel my tension increase as the task became unnecessarily complicated with Kate's extra hands and I snapped when she (accidentally) toppled the mini pail of water on the cot. I finished up the task with a super-tensed up headache and when done, I grabbed Kate's hands and put it on the wet splotch and said (loudly) - why is the bed wet! She was, again, frightened by my loud reaction and she started to whimper. The situation was alleviated by my aunt coming into the room to bring Kate out (as anyone instinctively would as she heard both kids wailing) and I was able to collect myself. I went to bring Kate into the room after I was calm and told her why I didn't want her to help and how I appreciated her kind intentions, but really, I didn't need her help.

Today, was the third time. Through the day, Kate had taken Jake's creams to play with. She also touched every possible thing that was placed in the room and some creams were obviously not meant to be played with as they were medicinal. Piece meddlesome toddler with clingy Jake - who just crossed the 14-day mark - who wants to be carried always, which resulted in me needing to carry him through the day, leaving me handicapped to do laundry/eat/shit/sleep/do anything (besides the fact that my arms were tired). Finally, at 530pm, I managed to lay Jake down successfully and I rushed to do laundry and the moment my back was turned, I heard Kate talking to Jake and to my horror, she had awakened him with the noise she made - and there went my efforts! I was so frustrated and coupled with the fact that the husband wasn't coming home till late from work just made me feel triply frustrated and helpless. I picked Jake up and had to cradle him and again, Kate was meddling about the room much to my exasperation and after telling her (nicely, then fiercely, then cajolingly then...) not to touch anything for the millionth time, I lost it. I yelled at her - again.

These episodes may not seem much, and they probably aren't and I may even be able to smile when I read this in the future; but the truth is, at the moments when these incidents combust, I really want to commit murder.

I feel so mad that things are out of control; that Kate is not co-operative, that I am not able to discipline her, that I cannot do what I want or need to do - who's going to do the laundry and dishes and cook for Kate (even if I starve myself) if I'm alone with them? Do I allow them/one of them to yell and cry while I tend to the other? Who will help me when I'm feeling at my wits' end at my moment of fury/loss/despair? How do I cope?

...

I cried to myself thinking of all the horrible scenarios that may arise from my lack of capability and it scares the hell out of me. Sigh. Today is one of those trying days where everything I tried seems to backfire against me. And I think I cannot do it.

Help.