Hearts, love and broken hearts

"Mommy, I draw a lot of hearts for you. I love you ok."

Kate learnt how to draw a heart on her own and she showed it to me yesterday. She very gladly drew it several times on this little drawing board and kept erasing and re-drawing it over and over. Then she presented this masterpiece to me. 

I went to bed feeling all fuzzy and loved and loving. 

This morning, Kate and I had a fight. 

She was in a mood, all weepy (probably from being tired from sleeping late and her nose was itchy and annoying her) and I was trying to be tolerant. Then she started fussing over what to wear (this, my friends, deserves an entry on its own how she is always – and I mean always – wanting to wear dresses) and when I didn't agree with her choice of clothes she started to be angry and what took the cake was how she slammed the wardrobe doors and was rude to my helper.

I'm not proud of what I did next. I stormed over to the room and start to tell her off. When she started to cry even harder, my voice level raised too and it pretty much went downhill from there – I was getting increasingly frustrated as she started feeling weepier… and it all ended up in tears and I grounded the kids from going to the playground. *hmph

I left the house for work feeling horrible and when I saw the picture of her hearts to me…  

I'm not a patient person. I've been pretty selfish and well, still am bossy. I like things done my way and I like to have some form of routine in life especially since I think it's not a bad thing for the kids. And while I know that Kate is a lot like me – emotional by nature – I'm, selfishly and unfairly, not as tolerant as I ought to be. I know how she functions on feelings and really, I also know that she needs a patient and loving Mom than a "tough love" Mom. 

I've been in turmoil and beating myself up every time I yell at home and this is something that I've been trying to work at in the last year. But I think I haven't been putting in much effort.. And can definitely do better. 

Dear Kate, 

Mommy shouldn't have yelled at you – I feel horrid when I do so and I'm really sorry. Here's to more patience and love and no more yells, hopefully sooner than later. 

Thank you for loving me despite me being not the best mom.

I love you.

Mommy