Losing it

Handling two children is well, not. easy. "Of course it's not", you may say. But really, it isn't. And it's one of those things you cannot really plan nor imagine how it may turn out because there are many factors involved and this is made even more unpredictable as it involved people and their reactions/emotions.

"Will Kate reject her brother? How will she take to him? How will she respond to me carrying a baby and not her? Will she react adversely to the attention that's shown to her brother, regardless of our constant loving?" ... There was plenty of uncertainty and none of which we can truly prepare for as a lot depended on Kate. Besides that, there is also dealing with me - "Will I be able to go through looking after a newborn again? Am I ready to share my affection and attention between two? When will I ever have time for my husband, or myself?" ... While these were questions flowing through my brain like tornado waves, fast & furious, there were no answers.

It's been a bit more than two weeks of being a mother of two and you need help, plenty of it to get through it. I have not been alone with both children at all during this time, yet I'm already fearing the responsibility and the seemingly impossible task. I'm frightened by the prospect of it and that makes me feel rather sad - shouldn't I, being the mother of my children yearn to look after and give them all I've got? Am I not a good mom?

In this short two-week period, I have lost my temper on three occasions.

The first was when I witnessed Kate patting her brother on his stomach over-zealously. I was approaching the cot and from where I was, I could see and hear her exerting more and more pressure as she patted (hit) him. I quickened my pace as I approached her and my face must have looked thunderous because she cowered when I reached her. I was so mad with her yet frightened that she had hurt Jake. I didn't think, I immediately carried her and I laid her down on the bed (hard) and put a pillow over her tummy and I patted her very hard (not painful, the pillow cushioned her well), while saying "do you want me to hit you hard? You cannot hit Jake!" This sudden action frightened her and she started to cry. I also regained some composure suddenly and I stopped. And talked to Kate quietly - I explained to her that she cannot hit Jake hard as he's very little and she didn't like it when I hit her hard, did she (no) so she shouldn't do it to her brother. By now, I was in control and no longer feeling maniac and I also went on to say that no one ever patted her hard when we put her to sleep so she cannot play rough with her brother.

The second occasion was when Jake had pooped and I was trying to change him - while he was bawling his lungs out. Kate came running along and she insisted on "helping" and I could feel my tension increase as the task became unnecessarily complicated with Kate's extra hands and I snapped when she (accidentally) toppled the mini pail of water on the cot. I finished up the task with a super-tensed up headache and when done, I grabbed Kate's hands and put it on the wet splotch and said (loudly) - why is the bed wet! She was, again, frightened by my loud reaction and she started to whimper. The situation was alleviated by my aunt coming into the room to bring Kate out (as anyone instinctively would as she heard both kids wailing) and I was able to collect myself. I went to bring Kate into the room after I was calm and told her why I didn't want her to help and how I appreciated her kind intentions, but really, I didn't need her help.

Today, was the third time. Through the day, Kate had taken Jake's creams to play with. She also touched every possible thing that was placed in the room and some creams were obviously not meant to be played with as they were medicinal. Piece meddlesome toddler with clingy Jake - who just crossed the 14-day mark - who wants to be carried always, which resulted in me needing to carry him through the day, leaving me handicapped to do laundry/eat/shit/sleep/do anything (besides the fact that my arms were tired). Finally, at 530pm, I managed to lay Jake down successfully and I rushed to do laundry and the moment my back was turned, I heard Kate talking to Jake and to my horror, she had awakened him with the noise she made - and there went my efforts! I was so frustrated and coupled with the fact that the husband wasn't coming home till late from work just made me feel triply frustrated and helpless. I picked Jake up and had to cradle him and again, Kate was meddling about the room much to my exasperation and after telling her (nicely, then fiercely, then cajolingly then...) not to touch anything for the millionth time, I lost it. I yelled at her - again.

These episodes may not seem much, and they probably aren't and I may even be able to smile when I read this in the future; but the truth is, at the moments when these incidents combust, I really want to commit murder.

I feel so mad that things are out of control; that Kate is not co-operative, that I am not able to discipline her, that I cannot do what I want or need to do - who's going to do the laundry and dishes and cook for Kate (even if I starve myself) if I'm alone with them? Do I allow them/one of them to yell and cry while I tend to the other? Who will help me when I'm feeling at my wits' end at my moment of fury/loss/despair? How do I cope?

...

I cried to myself thinking of all the horrible scenarios that may arise from my lack of capability and it scares the hell out of me. Sigh. Today is one of those trying days where everything I tried seems to backfire against me. And I think I cannot do it.

Help.

Scenes from our home

The husband went for a wedding lunch last Saturday. Kate was his +1.

A shot of Jake and I (very little of, because it's hard for me to snap a pic of me by myself).

Last Sunday, some friends came to visit. Here, you see Faith who has the same birthday as Kate.

Kate kisses didi when he cries (or maybe she did till he cried) =_=

A bleary morning shot (though you can't see the bleariness) because that's what it's all about, isn't it? Smiles and love with your children who bring so much meaning to your life

My princess and I (yup, clearly bleary me)

The princess learns to snap pics on the phone. "Mommy you smile!" (yes, that's my glorious pyjamas I purchased just for confinement - cos of the long pants. And check out my hair! Haha how unkempt is that. I don't bother because well, I'm not going anywhere!)

Waiting for her lunch

HAHA I love this. Kate makes a monkey face at her oblivious brother

Love them with all my heart, and more.

Zits

That's what Jake looks like he has - little zits on his little face like an adolescent! Haha I can kinda imagine how he may look like as a teen in 15 years to come, heh. Of course, this is one of the side effects of a breastfed baby - the hormones; and the fact that I'm in confinement now and eating plenty of heaty foods which is transferred to him.

My "15-year-old" two-week-old baby

Scenes from our home

The husband bathing for Kate. That's her didi's tub, and Kate gets a kick out of using it too. The father gives her "swimming time" and they have quite a lot of fun together.

Operation Kate-carry-Jake, step 1: Kate holds her arm outright and is ever-ready.

Step 2: Kate, are you ready?

Step 3: Papa lets go! Check out her strained face! Haha

"Uh, maybe it's easier (safer) for her to be seated,"I say. Operation Kate-carry-Jake a success!

A moment of happiness, the three people who mean the world to me.

She can't stop kissing her lil brother.

Loving my two babies. A first child will always be special no matter what because she's first; and seeing her love her lil brother makes my heart melt; I haven't found the right words to describe it yet,but it's truly one of bliss and happiness rolled into one.

How am I doing?

Physically: I went for my follow-up with my gynae a week after I was discharged from hospital and he gave the "all clear" - i.e. my uterus has shrunk (normal) and my stitches were healing naturally. My initial discomfort (that irritating spot) has gone away (phew) and I'm pretty much feeling normal and well (uh, there). My next appointment is a month later, for a regular pap smear (which should end my pregnancy journey with my gynae).

A terrible side effect of confinement (everything heaty) is that I've developed heat rash all over my body (shoulders, stomach, back, joint-areas, neck) though this may not be purely because of my diet (probably because of the lack of a nice, cold shower!) I do, however, get to take (very) hot showers daily (a quick rinse) and on alternate days, the Mother will boil this herbal water that smells rather heavenly (lemongrass & ginger) - my bathroom smells like a spa and though the water is dark coloured, I don't care because I get to wash (scrub) my hair and body - the feeling after a shower is indescribably amazingly great!

A piece of great news is that I've lost a total of 8kg thus far (I put on 11kg for this pregnancy); though my tummy flab is still there (boo), even after the week of jamu massage. The massage did help though, in toning up my limbs, and now I probably look 4-months pregnant than 6! With Kate, it took me about 2 months to get back into shape and I don't think it'd be any quicker this time round (if I'm lucky). So I'm trying not to think too much about it and be thankful that I have at least lost the weight and well, it'd take time and exercise for my body to get back into something more decent.

My back is probably my biggest concern - it's been achy since forever and it's really creaky now. I think it's something that I have to get used to living with for the rest of my life. I'm really trying my best with this confinement business and keeping myself covered where sanely possible and I really hope I don't become an arthritic young lady anytime soon!

My appetite (as with Kate) is very healthy and I'm very lucky to be fed nutritional meals (made with love). I try to eat everything provided as I know that they're meant to be good in some way or other. The mother makes the efforts to double-boil my soups for a long time and I really appreciate her efforts, so I do my best to consume all the healthy goodness.

I'm sure Jake is consuming plenty of this rich goodness as I'm doing total breastfeeding. I breastfed Kate and I'm doing the same with Jake now. I'm not sure if I can feed Jake as long as I did Kate (a year) but I'm going to try my best. The feeling of breastfeeding is very familiar and it's really a great chance to bond with my son. I feel responsible for his weight gain and let's just say it's the one thing I can provide for him and I plan to do so for as long as I can (as I did with Kate). I'm happy that my breasts are 'smart' and it's probably the same theory as riding a bicycle where your brain and body don't forget how to do so no matter how long it's been you last did it - sure, it was slightly uncomfortable at the beginning with my nipples being very sore for a few days - but everything's running like clock-work now and they didn't even get engorged! Isn't the body and brain an amazing thing?

Sleep is a huge thing and I don't think I'm getting enough of it - largely because I'm doing night feeds with Jake and it's impossible to sleep well when it's interrupted. I also don't get to nap much in the day time as it's too warm and uncomfortable. I also have to look after Kate & she's quite a handful. I have plenty of thoughts about her and how she's coping with Jake, but that's a pretty serious topic and I need time to sort my thoughts out before I write about it another time.

Mentally: I'm definitely stronger this time round, compared to the first. I'm a lot calmer and more relaxed. Previously, when Kate cried, I'd panic and not be able to stand it that she was crying. This time round, when Jake cries, I continue to finish up whatever I'm doing before going to feed him. I just feed when he starts to cry and I'm not really trying to fit things into a "routine" - I tried to do so with Kate before and stressed myself out a great deal; so I've learnt my lesson and am a lot more chill now.

Emotionally: I do get slightly weepy sometimes, mostly when I talk about stressful matters with the husband (childcare arrangements) - and it's usually when I start to feel that I'm not able to cope or doing the best for my children - and I get sad. But I try not to let it get to me and after a hug and kiss from the husband, I usually just shelf it aside for now. After all, there's only that much talking and planning we can do. The real test will present itself when we actually do it.

Kate is the key cause of my emotional strain at the moment. I'll write in detail another time, but I just feel torn between her and Jake. I also feel bad every time she lapses into a tantrum "I want Mommy..."

I need time to be strong and work out how I can cope with Kate and Jake. It'd take time and I know everything will work out, especially with the husband by my side. And I'm glad that I have him, or I would definitely not be able to do it on my own.

3.08am

It reads on the clock.

Tonight is one of those horrid nights where there is no wind and the humidity level is so high I'm nearly suffocating from the inability to breathe through the thick air that's hanging like a heavy curtain.

Help.... please rain or may the damn clouds move away or may something happen so that I can get some sleep!

On a slightly happier note, the son is sated and changed. That's his 2nd feed/change for the night (last at 11ish, just before midnight).

My nights with Jake

After sharing how our day's pretty much like, here's how our nights are.

I don't fall asleep quickly. I'll lie on the bed and try to not feel uncomfortable (depending on how warm the night is - windy nights are the best!) and I also arch my back and let it creak as it's achey (my posture is not the best). I then start to surf on my iPhone - blogs, FB, anything really... and it'll lull me to sleepiness. I think I usually fall asleep between 10 to 12, depending on what time I am done with my chat with the husband (or not - as in the case last night when I put Kate to sleep and ended up falling asleep beside her in her room until the husband came in and woke me up at 11.30pm).

So far, Jake wakes up on an average of 3 to 5 times each night. I don't really know the time that he wakes up, but it's about every 2-3 hours and each time I wake up, I'm up for at least 35 minutes.

Most times, I'd be aware of his shuffling about in bed (he'd fidget and wave his arms around much) and before he cries, I'd feed him. There's been a couple of occasions where I'm so tired that I only get awakened by his cries - I wonder how much he's had to fidget before he lost his patience and started to wail - then I'd spring up in bed and feed him. I have an SOP now where I know where every item I require is. I'll prop up the pillow I was lying on, pick up a small cushion and prop it against my back for support, I'll pick up the feeding U-shaped pillow then place a nappy cloth on my arm before lifting Jake up and putting him on my arm. The nappy cloth serves multi-purposes - so that we don't perspire onto each other (more like from my icky arm onto his little head) and I also use it to wipe his mouth and sometimes the regurgitated milk from his loud burp.

The feed takes anything between 10-30minutes, depending on how awake either of us are. If I'm up to it, I'll latch him on both sides, or just longer on one. I don't really have a system. I just do it based on how full I guess my breasts are. Depending on how I'm feeling, I may engage the iPhone again while he feeds - this wakes my brain up and I'm semi-alert by the end of the feed. Then I'll try to burp him and that can take anything from a couple of seconds to 10minutes, or when I'm still half-asleep, I just carry him so that he's lying at a 45-degree angle, until I nearly fall asleep in that position, then I'll place him down. I then check his diapers and usually, he'll require a change and I'll have to get off the bed and by this time, I'm semi-awake already. I grab the mini pail to grab hot water from the kitchen and mix it so that the water is slightly warm, then I gather all that's required to clean him up and get him changed into a new, dry diaper. This will take about 5 minutes.

[Last night was a pretty awful night where he awoke every hour to an hour & a half and I confess, I didn't change his diapers but thank goodness he didn't poop and I pretty much crashed back to bed after every feed.]

By the time I'm done feeding, he's usually snoozing already and I'll place him down and cover him up and watch his tiny face. (I'm getting used to his face by now... does that make sense?) Then I replace the nappy by the corner of his cot, the feeding pillow and mini cushion by my side and lie back down again.

I then arch my back again (my body is so old, I know) to relieve it and depending on how alert I was before, it'd take a while before I hit the sack.

The final feeds are the hardest - especially if it's at 6am - where I know that by the time I'm done, it's nearly 7 and we'll all have to wake up already. Oh... boy.

Wash, rinse, repeat... till the next night.