Midnight struggles & little victories

The air hasn't been great lately. I'm fighting a sore throat that feels like there's a golf ball inside and last night was rough. The kids have been snorty and sniffly and all sorts of mucus from the past weeks and I hope we all sail through this as painlessly as possible. Needless to say, we've all had pretty poor sleep through this half-state-of-unwellness. I can hear the boy coughing his phlegmy cough from the other room, sometimes. The poor girl has been struggling with her nose being stuffy yet leaky and uncomfortable; waking up to pee - all very unpleasant.

Last night, we had another similar episode - probably the 3rd in two weeks? She was awakened by the warm weather as I'd switched the aircon off after she'd fallen asleep. I didn't wish to spread my germs to her and by sleeping in such close proximity didn't help but since I couldn't not sleep with her, I figured the next best option was to allow some clean air to swish about the room.

She started whining, and being teary and perhaps it was the still of the night; perhaps it was my lack-of-strength to react as I'm unwell but I bit my tongue and tried my d*rnest to speak with her in a tone as level as ground.

She sniffled. She peed. She flopped around in bed.
I held my tongue and laid beside her. I hugged her. I applied oils to help soothe her.

At one point, after repeatedly asking her "why are you crying?" she managed to pull out a weepy "I don't know"

I felt so much for her then. I myself was struggling with my throat-ache and I know she's not feeling great. And for her to articulate that she had no idea why she was feeling so awful, reminded me of how little this girl still is.

We headed to the kitchen together after a synced pee visit and we took some honey each. It was to soothe my throat; she just enjoyed taking it. When I handed her her cup of water afterwards, she said to me, "thank you Mommy"

My heart broke a little. I banished all my evil monsters within that felt resentment that she was disrupting my sleep, I gave up struggling to "feel better so that my work life can resume tomorrow", I heaved a sigh of relief that I didn't lose my cool with her - when what she needed was Mommy.

I'm not the most patient person and more often than not, I allow my frustrations to unleash with little thought or restraint if I'm pressed for time or distracted. I have demons within that lurk and yell more often than I like or care to admit. But last night, I was Mommy with heart and I feel ashamed to say that I'm not always Mommy with heart.

I've read of The Orange Rhino Challenge but never actioned on it. It's never left my mind though and I do wish to become the Mother that my children will come to when they have problems; I need to remind myself that I'm only as good as what they see me and not the rest of the world.

Little steps, one day, one moment at a time.