After a long day at work, sometimes, sometimes, I really am not in the mood to be a mother.
I know, I know, it sounds really horrible to say these things out loud, but it's true.
I'm not perfect and as much as I love my children with all my heart and fingernails and hair follicles including their poop and vomit and tantrums and all, I will tell you that sometimes, when I go back home, I just want to curl up with my book/phone, or vegetate as a professional couch potato and surf a million channels on TV watching not a single thing at all. There are also days where the husband and I will be co-existing in the same space of our living area and not speak a single word to each other. Everyone of us has had such days, and as I get older, I realise that such days are becoming more frequent. I think it's part of my personal development/change in life, where I used to be very loud and explosive (I still am) I've mellowed with age and experiences, and while I still explode, I'm less chatty at times. Where I used to think it was terribly pathetic sad to be alone, I now appreciate the quiet and the private space to myself, as I just zone out and relish being alone.
Of course, it doesn't mean that I don't look forward to seeing the kids, watching them call out "MOMMY!" when I get home. When I call out to them "come and hug me! Mommy is home!" or when they request to read a gazillion books before bed-time, or when they both shout over each other to tell me about their day/something very important. These are all little nuggets of life that really make parenthood real and amusing, because sometimes they do say the darnest things and to watch them grow and improve, or piss me off with ________________ (fill in blanks with anything you may possibly imagine), it's all part of life and balancing my emotions so that there is equilibrium.
Being at work has its perks, honestly. I do get a break and there are good days (like, eating a really yummy lunch or having great laughs with colleagues) and bad (stressful work days. Need I say more?). I'm learning to not being my grumpiness from work back home. Just because I had a bad day outside, doesn't mean that I can take it out on anyone at home. So while I feel dog tired sometimes, and I really do not feel like reading a same story to the children again for the nth time, I still do it when I can. There are days I plead with them to swap for a shorter story, or just a different story; but there are also days I just do it because it is what they want.
This is the real sharing of me, a working parent, who is still learning and developing as a person. It's all very confusing, this parenting matter and even after 6 years and 2 months of being a Mother from the time I birthed K, every day is still a day to discover about myself, or each of the kids, or even my partnership with the husband.
I finish off this post of self-reflection with two things.
The first is that we are beginning to train J to take his afternoon naps without diapers. It's the first step to leading a diaper-free life (savings! no more diapers in our home at all!) and I believe we can make it within a year.
The next, is this lovely, lovely picture I captured of them both. It was a good night, where they cuddled up with this new quilt I got for J, they were drinking their milk and waiting for me to launch into story-time. This is the sort of sight that makes my heart flutter and melt with thankfulness, happiness and the energy to continue and face all the challenges that life may throw at me.
 |
| I love you both so much, babies. Always. |
No comments:
Post a Comment