Long week

It's been a long week. I'm out of the house by 7am and back after 9pm. This has been a terrible cycle since Monday. Today is Thursday and I've just about had it. All I see of Kate is this:

Concussed, late on Tues night

Still asleep, 6.30am this morning

HMPH!

I call home. *phone rings

From the other end: Mama
(Kate does this thing where she calls out who she thinks is calling upon picking up the phone. So in the case of this morning, she got me right)

Me: Hi Kate!

Kate: Mama

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: Play play play

Me: Kate, Mama is angry with you. You slept very late yesterday! You must sleep early tonight, ok?

Kate: Bye bye

*phone receiver gets put down

...

Unacceptable

Kate's behaviour, that's what is unacceptable. As she continues to develop beautifully, there is much we need to teach her about what's right and wrong. Lately, she's demonstrating more of her lousy attitudes and it is truly getting on my nerves.

No.
It is not so much the fact that she likes to say this awful word. It is that she says it with such gusto and annoyance. I mean, to be honest, the MIL gets the bulk of this attitude which is because Kate recognises who will discipline her and who wouldn't. So she has already learnt to pick her targets. But it is terrible and she will whine and yell murder if she doesn't get her way.

Throwing. Pulling.
This is how she expresses her displeasure. When she doesn't get her way, when we tell her "no", when we say she "cannot", she will throw a toy (or anything), pull at hair (ours) or do some random violent action that demonstrates her displeasure clearly.

Sharing - lack thereof
Kate has no concept of "sharing". She doesn't get it. It stems from the fact that she doesn't have to share anything with anyone for 99% of her time. Whether it's at home, or at my Mom's, all the toys are hers. In recent months, since her younger cousin Lukas is becoming more interactive & independent, the occasions where her selfishness is displayed is becoming more frequent & obvious. Typical behaviour is her reaching for the exact item that Lukas just touched. I think it's a case straddled between her wanting to engage with him (she is very excited & looks forward to him coming every weekend) so it seems like she's trying to snatch things away from him; but I also think it's a case of "I want what you're having".

These are typical bad child behaviour, and I know they are normal of a growing toddler (terrible twos!), but it really irks me and I need to be patient and educate her what's right from wrong. I will not allow Kate to be a brat!

It's not always that she is a tyrant though, as when she's at the playground, she will wait patiently for her turn on the swings/slides. I believe this is because I make it a point to tell her everytime we arrive that "the swing is occupied so we'll have to wait for our turn". So now, she knows that she has to wait when we are there. This proves that constant preaching works.

Oh, give me patience.

Baby Jaz turns a month old

Congratulations to the bestie!

Her very hardworking husband and her survived the first month post-childbirth, which many say is the toughest month due to many reasons. The affair was quite simple, with plenty of food and guests with well-wishes, and I'm happy to be part of her life, as always.

Our husbands and our daughters. Nothing pleases me more to see loving, hands-on Dads.

"Ooo..." love how this shot totally looks like we were talking with each other!

Finally, us with our girls. It's been 18 years of friendship and today, we each have one girl.

Here's to many more happy occasions and celebrations together!

Burst of sunshine

Not sure what Kate has written, but am happy anyhow to see her "love note". Had brought my work notebook home one day and she'd seen me working on it and insisted on drawing along. I'd forgotten about it until I accidentally stumbled upon it just now.

Perfect, when you're away from the beloved and stressed at work. It brought a smile to my face.

Loving Kate

Had a random conversation with the sister about Kate.

Me: what happens when there's number 2? Will you favour Kate?

The sister:
if it's a boy-i prolly will only like kate.

hm if its another girl. depends on how irritating kate becomes
if she's still cute.
ill prolly still like her

if she's irritating like meimei, maybe not so much

but i would like to be able to bring her out on my own u know
bring her for brunch, go shopping, watch a movie.

then the lil baby will be too difficult to look after.

so i prolly will still choose k.

Me: you are already playing favourites!

Balancing act

I went home late yesterday as I was working. Kate was fussing (over tired) but refused to go down and didn't even allow me to take my shower properly (she was crying for me).

Finally, she collapsed at 11.30pm. SO late! Check out her sleeping position.

Natural gymnast?

Xiao bai

Xiao bai has been with us for nearly 6 years. He's served us well. In my recollection, the worst problem we faced was the battery failing us on several occasions (the worst was when I was pregnant and we were stuck at the hospital while on a gynae visit).

He is an upgrade from a two-wheeler, which got too dangerous and also inappropriate in my parents' point of view. So, to be more reliable and stable, he got Xiao bai. I always thought of Xiao bai as cute. It's like a "toy car", I'll say; which the husband will disagree with because it's a car. Not a toy! But hey, I liked how it was cute in terms of its handy size. To the husband: you must agree that it's also made it a lot easier for you to park "creatively" (looks at the sister).

He started out with shiny gold rims - so sart sart, though over the years, it's faded and the other day, someone commented that one rim looks gold & the other silver. Oops.

We started out with all the leather seats shiny and sheen, now it's still black and clean, though there are little tears in the leather. From serving the husband and I, it's also carried Kate very well too. Xiao bai has held two different child-seats for Kate, the newborn one and now, the child one. He's seen us from a dating couple, attended our wedding along with us (not the wedding car, but as part of the white entourage).

I also sat in Xiao bai through my pregnancy, he sent us safely to the hospital, he was my first point of contact with civilisation when I first stepped out of the hospital after delivery, I carried Kate tightly as I sat in the car, watching the world through surreal eyes as it seemed as if time had stopped for me when I was in the ward post-delivery.

Xiao bai, it's been a good ride. I still cannot figure out why your driver window breaks down sometimes for no apparent reasons, and why the bro-in-law is the one person who can 'miraculously' repair it (through not doing anything at all). But you are a great car, the first of the husband and I and we love you simply because you will always be our number one. *sniff

In the last 6 months, I've driven you a lot more and I've gotten so comfortable with you. Hopefully you find another family that will treat you as well as we did (we keep everything in you only because we love you. Yes, all 6 pairs of shoes & more).

Today is the last time I'm driving you. Sorry about the bumps over kerbs and all of those. I shall miss you.

Thank you, Xiao bai!

Happy Fathers' Day

To the best partner one can ask for, who helps out with the baby (preferably more about the house), who can single-handedly tackle two ladies in the house (heh, though obviously the two ladies are such angels), the most helpful and reliable and lovely man who makes our home safe and secure with his manly presence… who brings such joy to our lives because our family is complete because we are three.

We love you much.

Happy Fathers’ Day

& just for fun, here's the celebratory pic from last year.

Kate & Papa, Happy Fathers' Day, 2010

Kate turns 21- months!

Happy 21 months my beautiful baby! I love you very much!

I know, it's a feeble entry but I'm happy with this sudden realisation!

Gawd, I cannot imagine that I can ever love someone this much. Amazing!

Awesome conversation

Phone rings. "JZ" (the husband) appears on the screen.

Me: Hello?

Kate: Mama

Me: Hello Kate! I love you!

Kate: I love you (though it sounds like "eye in")

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: Mum-mum

Me: oh, you're eating. Is it nice?

Kate: yes

Me: that's nice, can you share pls?

Kate: no

Me: why! I'm hungry, please? You must say 'ok Mama, I'll share with you'

Kate: share with you (chair you)

Me: yes, that's a good girl! Mama loves you ok? Say "I love mama"

Kate: I love Mama

Me: Mama loves Kate too! Bye bye

Kate: Bye bye (dai dai)

Kate at my work-station

Because I'm still here past 7.30pm on this blardy Wednesday, I want to share what I have of Kate and my loved ones while I'm here. [And because I need a breather and well, since I'm still relatively new here, the husband (nor anyone) knows what my work-station looks like.]

My desktop is of her (obviously) and I update it on a regular basis, as and when I find a suitable picture of her. I also have polaroids of Kate, the husband, and besties on the right side of my partition.

To my left, there's a caricature of Kate! It was drawn at a birthday party where an artist was present and I've received many compliments at how cute the picture is. I love it.

Sigh.

Now I need to buck up and quickly do what I gotta do then go.home.already.

My sayang

Tell me, how do you not love this beautiful cheeky face?

Papa

Mischievous Kate does silly things. Like hugging the rocking horse instead of the Grandma when we ask her to. Or saying "Mama" instead of "Papa" when we ask her to. Or anything else but what we ask her to, when we ask her to.

The husband is usually at the brunt of these tricks as the little one will demand for me to carry her instead of him, or hug me instead of him... (though last night there was a moment of loveliness when Kate repeatedly kissed the husband and I! - in a bid to get out of sleeping =_=)

The husband is a real hero and hands-on Dad, I cannot ask for a better partner, really. It's a nice reminder of what a great job of he's doing, leading up to Fathers' Day this weekend.
So anyway, I was inspired to dig out old pictures of father and daughter.

Kate at 2 weeks old - see how tiny she was? And that's her birth hair. The husband used to carry her to sleep like that a lot. Because she would fuss any other way.

Another lovely pic of them - the husband reading to her when she was about 12 weeks old. I love how they're both so serious, one reading, the other listening.

Peaceful baby

I love to watch Kate sleep. She's my beautiful princess.

Sunday night blues

The weekend has been not too bad. Relaxed, mostly. All day with the family on Saturday - first it was children fun with the husband and I bringing Kate to watch Barney (again) and checking out the PC show while walking about the malls aimlessly; the evening was more adult fun with family dinner followed by double date movies (again).

Today was a super lazy day with me sleeping in, followed by lunch then an afternoon of couch potato-ing with the sister and the boyfriend. Such luxury.

I'm now lying in bed with the sleeping baby by my side and I'm so dreading tomorrow! I dont want to go to work?! I want to play all day long! Sigh.

Blue.

Whirring

Another side effect of being ill, besides the physical discomfort (I’m now down to cloggy windpipe and the blardy ball in my throat still won’t budge), is that I sleep poorly. It’s probably (definitely) linked to work stress, but I generally feel too alert at 11pm when I should be all ready to go down (because I end work later and my brain cells are still too blardy active!), and I toss and turn in the night (each time being annoyed by the ball in throat) and when the (arghh!) alarm goes off, I wince and feel like crap.

It’s been like that all week, and not at all better despite me popping meds that are supposed to help my muscles “relax”. (Do these muscle relaxants ever work for anyone, I wonder?! What a farce. Never works for me.)

During those moments pre-sleep, I feel bored. I login to Facebook (necessary evil), I look at sleeping Kate. I stare at the ceiling. I am actually able to feel bored because the husband is not around. It’s quite odd, yet comforting, these silent moments. And with the avalanche of preggo friends and babies that are all around me, I cannot help but think back and chuckle at the horrors and the pains, the fatigue and the lessons learnt, and all the joyous moments that I experienced when I was pregnant and the initial months with Kate. She’s 1 week shy of turning 21 months. Where’s the time gone?

My brain fills with events past and present – I need to fix Kate’s leaky nose, I cannot believe she is so big already, I’m happy that the husband is coming back home today, I’m looking forward to Barney on Saturday, I need to do xxx for work, why is the floor so dusty, why did the radio player breakdown suddenly?, I need to lose weight, I cannot exercise till next week when my body is up to it, I need to pass my bestie the food warmer, I want to kiss Kate, I’m so glad it’s Friday, I love Kate, oh I better tackle xxxx at work tomorrow….

Don’t make much sense?! I know. Sometimes I think I’m mad. I think too much. Hah!

It’s Friday today and it’s filled with good stuff!

The husband is coming home tonight. I get 2 full days tomorrow and Sunday to be with my babies. I just gotta be focused and do what I gotta do at work today. Oh and I get a free lunch later.

COME ON LET'S DO IT ALREADY! *clenches one fist with determination

Kate o'clock

10pm

11.30pm
8am

When I feel glum

I look at Kate and I feel heartened again.

Kate's face of deep concentration @ the Barney show. We were in the line waiting for our turn to take a picture with the purple dino.

Sick peas

It sucks to be sick.

I feel worn out, dehydrated, my lips have been chapped for the past week, I have a mild throbbing headache that comes on and off, my shoulders and back are achey (a lousy massage didn't help it one bit), and I feel fat (besides the fact that I have put on weight, I feel bloated).

What is worse, is when Kate is also sick.

The poor girl got the bug from me (sigh, I do feel bad! I do!) and she's been muggy the past week too. The good news is that her fever is gone though she's still taking her medication for cough and cold religiously. Her phlegm is building up though and we can hear her laboured breathing - deep sigh. In my second visit to the Doc's in 5 days (4-day MC split into 2 occasions though I am unable to relieve the full 4 days due to work), I consulted him about the breathing - it is rather bothersome and I know the root of the problem is that she is unable to clear her phlegm as we adults do (pui). The Doc suggested not to sleep in the air-conditioned room as it does not help. So being the guilty and responsible Mom, I did so last night.

I put Kate to sleep (we played a new silly game yesterday! I'll update on that later) then I switched off the air-con and lucky for us (!) the weather all night was relatively cool. I like to think that this practice helped as her breathing seemed more even and less cloggy this morning. But it may just be my imagination.

The nasty bug is floating around and I've heard of friends being uber-ill and friend's children having very high temperatures too so I feel mildly comforted, though truthfully, it's been a week already and I want us to get well already!

Go away you blardy bug! *GGRRRR

Sleepyhead calls for Mama

It warms my heart to know that Kate instinctively calls for me when she's semi-asleep. I was near the bed and she wailed "Mama" when her eyes fleeted open and I quickly went to pat her. She looked at me and closed her eyes and went back to sleep again, comforted by my presence and the rhythmic bumps on her butt.

Peaceful

Loves of my life

It's all about managing your expectations in life, prioritizing what is really important to you.

Love

Saturday night adventure

The sister and I planned to watch X-men together. So we gathered our partners and fixed the date for last Saturday. Two days before, I made bookings for 4pax and we were rather excited to catch the show (I know I was).

Saturday was rather fun as the family spent practically all afternoon together and the sister and I bonded plenty with Mom & Kate (playground - bazhang - Thai food - humid weather - late afternoon over-snack - changing of sofa covers - the brother who did not prefer our company).

As it was a double-date, we figured it'd make more sense to drive one car only and we arrived at AMK Hub about 20minutes before the slated show-time. To cut a long story short, the "booking" I had made for our double-date was made alright, but it was at Cineleisure and not AMK Hub.

...

Time was 9.43pm. We were physically at AMK Hub. Our seats were at Orchard Cineleisure for the 9.55pm show. What do we do?

The husband very quickly made a decision "we'll make a mad dash now". OK!

I quickly tapped the sister on her shoulder and she quickly went to tap on the boyfriend's shoulder and amidst the husband's thunderous facial expression, the boyfriend's bemusement, the sister's amazement and my guilt - we made it to our seats only minutes into the show!

(cue Sea World ovation applause)

Thanks to the husband, the sister and the boyfriend for not stoning me for the very honest mistake that I made. And I definitely enjoyed the show very much!

Special thanks to the husband who drove so swiftly it was as if we were "X-mened" (like magic - ZAP!) to our destination!

Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

First off, I'm sorry. I was the one who caught the bug but you are the one suffering from it after I inevitably passed it to you. It's been 4 days since and you don't seem to be getting better. In fact, the symptoms which I suffered - runny nose, itchy throat, fever - you got too and more - cough and diarrhea.

I know you must feel terrible and it probably explains the nasty behavior of yours - the tantrums, squealing, irrational outbursts... but it does not make it any easier to have to deal with you. Papa and I have been bristling with each other through the day while we both walk around highly strung from trying to handle you. Bath-time is tedious, washing you takes doubly long - literally when you poop when you'd just been cleaned for one; feeding you is tricky as you refuse to eat anything except for plain rice while picking food off the bowl and playing more than consuming; bringing you out to the mall in a bid to distract you while we run some errands is trying when you cry with no restraints and act like a very naughty child.

I smacked you several times today and got very mad with you for the same thing - in your upset tantrum mode, you hit out at me. They didn't hurt, but the fact remains that you hit me. Once on the arm and the other on my chest, both times when I was carrying you. I had to discipline you because I cannot allow you to behave in this wrongful manner. It is unacceptable and I hope that you understand someday that I mean what I say to you (you're probably too little to grasp this now) "Mommy will always love you but you are very naughty and I am angry with you. I scold you when you have done something wrong and you deserve to be punished."

It really sucks to have to see you cry in hurt (emotionally/physically) when we discipline you but I really think that you do understand what we're trying to tell you and as a typical kid, you are testing your limits. I hope that you are a sensible one and despite you being so very stubborn (really, this really really is one of your apparent traits) I hope that you get what we want to tell you.

I feel guilty when I get so mad with you, as I wonder if there's any way I could have dealt with things better. But things happen for a reason and I just hope that we'll find better ways of dealing with situations as you grow older.

You are asleep now and I hope your body is fighting all the bad germs well so that you will recover quickly. I hate it when you are ill. You look so beautiful and peaceful that I resolve to be a better mom, to be the best and give you nothing but the best. I love you my dear. I really do, but it is so trying sometimes. I hope you understand that I am also an individual, a person and I have my own issues to grapple with too. So forgive me for the not-so-great things, but one thing's constant and will remain so for life - I will always love you.

Be well my love.

Love, Mama

"Hub"

That's Kate's mispronunciation of "hug". Another highlight of her catching the Barney show was that she got to see Barney (very) up-close and she behaved really well. She gave Barney a hug, took a picture and said bye with a kiss.

Till we next see Barney again (hopefully very soon!)

Kate with her favorite people/animals

Barney

Some weeks back, I received an invitation to the opening show of "Sing and Dance with Barney & Friends" at Marina Square. I was very excited and happy because I knew that this was a must-do with Kate. I mean, this girl loves her Mickey & Minnie Mouse(s) and Pocoyo and bears (Care Bears, general bears) but Barney definitely tops the list!

I was very excited to receive the invitation!

Come show-day and I was nearly not able to make the show as I was ill, but the husband saves the day by finishing work early enough to fetch both Kate and I to the show.

Happy Kate with Janelle (my colleague's daughter. Janelle is one week younger than Kate. How much of a coincidence is that!)

Faces of fierce concentration

SO. How was it? It was AWESOME!

Kate was a bit bewildered at what was happening - the stage, the mass of children and adults all seated together, and the familiar music that kept playing in the background... and when the girl leading the show appeared on stage, she tried to keep up with the "warm-ups" by clapping along, stamping her feet and saying "hooray". It was all very exciting (for the husband and I) to monitor her reactions to the life-show and I'm happy that the husband and I were both there to watch her obvious happiness and amazement at seeing Barney live!

She got a bit startled at some bits of the show, where she'd scramble onto the laps of the husband or I, but the worst was at the end of the show when the confetti was popped with a loud "Bang!" - which honestly, also gave me a fright, much less her - and she truly nearly wept. But the live happenings and the fact that her idol was right in front of her eyes prevailed and she was still more taken with the show than giving in to crying from fright.

I truly enjoyed the show for one very simple reason - that Kate was obviously taken with Barney and enjoyed herself thoroughly. She was able to sway along with the songs and perform the simple actions with the sing-along-song "If you are happy". She was truly concentrating and absorbing everything that was happening on stage and the exciting moment was when she first sighted Barney on-stage. She broke out into genuine "Hello Barney! Hi!" complete with hand-waves at least twice through the show segment which really melted my heart.

Here's a link that shows the video of Kate enjoying herself.

I'm happy when Kate is happy!

Song & dance

Kate has been singing for a while and recently, she seems to be humming constantly. It's so fun to hear her humming the songs she knows - wei wei bu yao pa & ni wa wa (both chinese songs), Eensy weensy spider, Twinkle twinkle, Barney and her all-time favorite, Happy Birthday! It's so cute and I'm so proud of her because the melodies she hums are very clear and pitch-accurate so much so that the songs are absolutely recognizable. So clever! Sometimes, she sings them with lyrics but that's not too apparent to strangers cos her pronunciation still needs some working on but hey, it's a perfect 10 for a 20-month-old!

Sometime ago, I also started to engage Kate in dance. I got tired of her watching Pocoyo and Barney on the youtube and decided to introduce her to "Hokey Pokey". It took her a few days, and after several times where the sister and I encourage her to do the dance by singing it and dancing along with her, she's comfortable doing the dance on her own now! I especially love how she does the hokey pokey bit and she even does an extra twirl (turn yourself around) sometimes when she's feeling fancy. How cute is that!

Another dance she does is this sing-along of a Barney episode where they sing "Bingo". It's kinda like you clap your hands but with your body moving to a side and again, after some weeks of practise, my girl's doing it pretty niftily now.

I am amazed at how developed she is and am terribly proud. I need to capture a good video and share it.

That first month

Kate, 3 days old

I remember the days leading to my delivery rather clearly. I was on leave for my 39th week and I had thought that Kate may arrive earlier. It was not meant to be that way though, and I was quite bored really. The husband was busy at work so he couldn't take leave to accompany me (boo) but I was fortunate that I had the besties by my side. I met them for meals, for walks at the neighbourhood park and botanical garden, Ikea... it was a week of hanging out, of doing nothing but waiting (I've never been so bored waiting) and finding things to do to occupy my time (lots of housework!)

The delivery itself was quite a memorable ride but this entry is inspired by the bestie who is going through confinement now and truth is, while the delivery was an astonishing experience, it was that first month which really (semi) traumatized me. [Warning: stop reading if you prefer not to know the real truth]

I was lucky to have a natural birth so there were the stitches I had to deal with. Honestly, it wasn't as painful as I'd feared. It was largely uncomfortable and inconvenient because well, my vagina's never done such a feat before, and after months of not having my period, let's just say it was terribly unpleasant to have an avalanche of the mother of all periods that lasted for a solid 4 weeks and I continued to spot for another 4 weeks. I was also very ignorant then and was shocked that after I had pooped the baby out, I still had a tummy so big I still looked pregnant?! That was nasty as I didn't want to be fat! I was also under home-care and abided by some traditional rules where I couldn't be exposed to cool air/wind, so no aircon nor fan for me (shocking!). I also had to be dressed warmly with at least 3/4 pants with socks (!), and no cold showers. Add that to the confinement foods I was eating - ginger, sesame oils - which naturally made my body warm; I was truly hot and sticky and highly uncomfortable - always.

So while my body was under all that duress, my breasts also had to pick up a new skill of producing milk. There were the pains like engorgement, blocked ducts, sore nipples and fears whether I was producing any milk/ sufficient milk/ good-enough milk... Honestly breastfeeding has got to be one if the toughest, fulfilling, stressful yet enjoyable tasks I have ever done in my life!

Then there was the fatigue. Anyone who has gone through this experience will know what I mean - Fatigue with a capital F. I mean, I've worked late nights before, consecutive late hours; or I've partied like no tomorrow and gone to work the next day and trust me, coping with a hangover and having to act normal and use your brain is tough! But oh boy, how my body coped with being this tired I have no idea but somehow, I did it. The nights and days merged into one as Kate cried as and when she desired with no care nor concern of time or occasion. My body was on clockwork feeding, changing for her and burping and trying to put her to sleep and though it sounds onto much, it was so tough and so tiring!

I was very lucky to have the help of the Mom and the husband, but still, it was very difficult as when the hormones hit, there's nowhere to run. I was warned by my friends about post-natal depression and in hindsight, I definitely had a strain of it. I stayed sane through sheer need to have to be strong for Kate, and much love and support from the husband and the Mom.

To say that I was ill-prepared for when the hormones hit is an understatement. I never expected to be so weepy, so needy, so stressed! I must say that though all that I've written above is no joyride, the toughest bit was the psychological stress. I mean, nothing is worse than you telling yourself that "the baby is crying HELPPPPP" or "why doesn't the baby stop crying when I carry her?" or "what if... why... how?"

People say it gets better and it is true. You just deal with it. And get the hang of it. And I wish I was more prepared with more - for one, I would have sat down to talk to my Mom and sorted out our expectations. I think I upset her when she was wholeheartedly giving me what she thinks is best and I feel sad thinking about it. A lot of the stress I went through was stress I put on myself and hurting another person in the process is truly unnecessary.

But what's done is done and I know better now. I don't think it'll ever be this difficult again. Sure, it'd be as uncomfortable and all that, no doubt about it, but no matter how weepy I may be the next time round, it'll just be better.