Losing it

I don't want to sound like a self-pitying woman (ok, I admit it. I am wanting some love and comfort and encouragement) but it's so frigging difficult being a working mother. When I'm apart from my kids, I think of them. When I'm with them, I'm clearing my work emails. I mean, seriously. This just makes me neither here nor there, does it?! It's a problem - we're doing too much at one time and it compromises the now. I read off a friend's blog about being in the NOW. I need to learn to achieve that.

SIGH. 

So it was quite timely that I chanced upon this article recently.

Not your superwoman

It seems like we're expected to pop out a baby, immediately lose all the weight, jog the Bugaboo stroller into the workplace and start at your desk in five-inch heels. If not, you've somehow failed to live up to your potential.
(Yes, the Jolie in above paragraph refers to the her in Brangalina)

When I was at work, all I could think about were my children and when I was at home I was thinkig about and performing all the deliverables for work. (Sorry, can't rotate the pic)

These are really difficult times filled with questionable motives (with reference to straddling work and not spending enough time with her kids)

Would I regret that I didn't get that brief in on time - or would I regret not spending time with my son? That helps me focus on what's important when I get confused.

I don't think I'll be an awesome stay-home Mom. I used to think I wanted to do that. And some parts of me still want to. But reality of financial constraints and the experience of staying home with two kids have honestly made it impossible for me to embrace it. Yes, I should be able to do it if I really wanted to, but do I want to anymore? I don't know. I'm losing control of my self-confidence when things don't go my way and what am I up against? An infant yelling at me because he's over-tired or irritable due to aching gums. A toddler testing my patience time and again when she throws tantrums for no apparent reason. And the cherry on top of the cake is me, retaliating to these situations not in motherly patience, but straggled yells back with blood vessels close to popping; it leaves a sad, disgusting after-taste when I know it's me who cannot control myself. I'm the adult in this equation, no?

You who mean the world to me, and presses all the right/wrong buttons that makes me go crazy

You who mean the world to me, who wants nothing more than my whole love. I will try my best dear Kate, I am trying. I will try harder because there's nothing more important to me than you and your brother and I want you to be happy more than you're sad. I'm sorry for the times I've lost it. I'm sorry for the times I've not been there. I'm sorry for the bad moments that you remember and I wish that love can triumph over and make you forget the bad. I love you so much, my darling baby Kate, let's get this right together. I will.