Release

I’m stressed.

It took me weeks of build-up, some bursts of breakdown and finally, a single moment of frustration & anger that resulted in an hour of crying and nearly-nonsensical blabbering to the husband that I admitted to myself that I. Am. Very. Stressed.

The large contributing factor to my stress levels is Kate. It’s been very tough dealing with her erratic moods and tantrums. I feel that I’m tormenting her, making her do what she doesn’t wish to (going to school, taking a shower, eating off a plate – anything, really. When her mood sucks, everything goes downhill together). But at the same time, I’m left with no choice, because we have to do what we have to do. But when she cries, rejecting me, I feel so hurt and sad that she’s so unhappy. I try to be strong, surging ahead with what needs to be done and getting the tasks done. But I’m so drained afterwards, because it takes me every ounce of will and emotional detachment to get through it. The days that she is a happy child makes us so happy because that is the Kate that we miss and we want her to be. It gets worse when she’s ill. I know, I know that it’s “normal” for a child to fall sick often once they start school. But it’s still a pain to deal with and it’s so terrible to keep feeding my child meds. She’s been sick since she’s started school – with the smallest ailment being sniffly cold or cough, to very high fever. That’s 6 weeks of non-stop meds since January 2012 and it’s not exactly the most fun thing to have to deal with. We’ve started bringing the thermometer with us everywhere we go because we never know when her temperature will spike.

Dealing with this last stage of pregnancy is also taking its toll on me. I’m getting heavier and much more uncomfortable. I’m unable to eat much, I get heartburn, my pelvis aches and my calves are crampy. I also have difficulty sleeping well which doesn’t help as I get tired more easily now. And more than ever, my hormones are raging causing me to be more emotional. Which is why when I breakdown, I break down. I’m at a loss at how to cope with the days ahead, I worry that everything is falling apart, that I’m unable to deal with it all. And when I begin worrying incessantly, it manifests and my world starts to shatter.

Ok, so it seems dramatic but when I’m feeling down, I really feel awful. And yesterday, when the husband and I had yet another bicker – he, who is my pillar of strength and support – made me lose it. I couldn’t deal with not being ok with my team player. That’s really the last straw. And so I cried. And cried. And cried. And I blurted out all that was on my mind. My worries and fears, my stress spilling out of my mouth in semi-coherent words as quickly as the tears flowed. At the end of the hour, my eyes hurt so much and were so puffy that I developed a headache.

But in this very unglam and emotional manner, I realized that I was very stressed. And I feel better that I had let it out.

Today, I continue to soldier on. I can do it.