Hope #parentingstruggle part 2

After my jolting lesson about temper management, it had been a pretty good month of conscious holding back before tipping point, resulting in no yelling at the children! It had been fantastic - as I deem that yelling at the children is not the best demonstration of my behaviour to them, yet despite knowing that, I had not been behaving well at all. So this month of mindful holding back and not yelling is an achievement for me. Like, a major one.

 

However, the record broke last week. Bleargh.

 

Truth is, I know it always starts with me, so let me lay that out first. I lost it over hanyu pinyin and a very distracted child who was absolutely not paying attention. *insert frustrated emoticon with nostrils emitting smoke

 

In retrospect, I could already identify pain points leading up to the outburst, but I stubbornly refused to acknowledge the right moment to stop. Instead, I doggedly pushed on, then snapped and frightened the daughter, made her cry... I was disappointed with myself, because I was doing so well. Did I beat myself over it? A little, but not enough to give up on this mission to improve my temper and our relationship.

 

After the episode, I calmed down and I started to cry. I sniffed and I explained to K that there were several things that's happened recently that is really getting to me.

 

1) Her lack of ambition and poor attitude towards school work

I asked her why she doesn't take pride in her work, choosing to rush through things and deliver mediocre work.

Her lack of attention during class and while doing her work is so evident (!) - there was one whole page that was empty where she obviously did not even bother to fill in or totally missed out (sigh).

The time and effort we spent to practise spelling at home, does not translate to results. She comes home with errors - some of them poor spelling, some of them poor writing that the teacher penalised her for.

 

2) Her lies

It comes in spurts, and a recent huge episode that we discovered was her blatant lying about what she's eaten for recess. She chooses to twist her words and withholds information that doesn't paint a wholistic picture... and when we find out, it's heartbreaking.

 

3) Her general bratty behaviour

I raised to her specific instances where her outright tantrums and bratty responses to the people around her, I told her of how she is perceived when she behaves like that and I also tell her how awful she is during those moments. The eye-rolling, the constant whining and rude demands she makes are all grating traits that upset me.

 

I pleaded with her to consider her own actions, to think about why she has become this way. I also reminded her (tearily) that she is a very sweet, kind child and she should not be behaving this way. I questioned why she has changed so much, and I wondered where my sweet child is.

 

I garnered a reaction from her... first it was horror and fright at my outburst (sigh), then she cried alongside me as I poured my heart out to her. Then as I 'sobered up' from my emotional barrage, she did too and I tried to normalise our evening out by moving on to regular routine like showering and preparing for bed.

 

Then 2 things happened, both unprompted.

 

First, a love note from the girl.

 

K's after-thoughts

I will be a good girl and listen to my teacher in my cl(a)ss. I will be good at home and at school

 

My heart bloomed when I read this from her. I know that my daughter is going through a phase where she's discovering independance and perhaps it's all as much and difficult for her to handle as anything at all... and to uncover this little gem of the sweetness and love from within her... I'm relieved, thankful and happy.

 

The second blessing that happened, right after I read the love note from K, was from the boy.

 

 So, throughout the outburst, the boy was in the room (with doors shut). No doubt he'd have heard me raging too, but by the time he emerged from the room, things had normalised. I also had spent some time with him practising his writing. After we were done, and I was preparing to shower (feeling all deflated and lousy, may I add) I heard the boy ask for a scissors. I yelled at him from the room to use the 'baby scissors' (we're going through some real scissors practise which I have highlighted can only be used under the supervision of an adult) and he hollered back "ok!". Then just before I stepped into the bathroom, he came and handed this to me.

A love note from my boy

I was bemused and asked, "what is this baby?" To which he replied, "I love you Mommy. See I draw the heart by myself". In his original note to me, there was only 1 heart. I never knew he could draw a heart and so, I asked him to show me how he drew the heart all by himself, and he proudly showed me - which explains the final picture.

I explained to him that sometimes, Mommy loses my temper but I will always love the children and he seemed to understand that.

I have some reflections on this:
1) I will continue to practise being in control

2) I am human and sometimes, it's probably fine to let the children know that too

3) My children are sweethearts, underneath their sweat and grime and whine and naughty antics, they are sweet and loving and kind.

4) No matter how I fail in my attempts to become better, my children love me.
This, I think is a point that stresses upon what I mentioned before, of unconditional love. I know that no matter what the children do, how mad I am, I will always love them with my heart. Sometimes, in such moments, I am reminded too that no matter what, they do love me too and that is such a precious reminder that I thank my lucky stars for this amazing form of blessing.

And now, I march on towards better parenting because it's all about learning and the journey, not just about being perfect.. and sometimes, it's these little imperfections that allow such beautiful stories of love to prevail.